The most important thing I realized is that painful breakups, unrequited love, shitty jobs and the like help us to BUILD CHARACTER and that no matter how bad it feels, we are much better off because of it. Sometimes you have to stand alone to make sure you can. Forget what you want to remember what you deserve.You may not end up where you thought you'd be, but you'll always end up where you were meant to be. You can either let these bad things, define you, destroy you or strengthen you. Fight through it like a warrior. Greater things are to come.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

I don't know who I am

Too many people spend money they haven't earned, to buy things they dont want, to impress people they dont like.

I found this quote on a xanga that i subscribe to, and normally its very hard for me to find quotes that are really meaningful but this one, touches me to the core. Every word relates to how I live my life. I think its a total waste , for me to have to act and conform myself to the norms of "being materialistically hott", or even to simply prove that I am better than others. I look at myself in the mirror and really wonder why must I do this when I am not financially well off as these "people", I am not at the same mentality as these people, different goals, different beliefs- why must I always think about what others will think. Why don't I love myself more?

I am lying, about a good 60% of the time if I say I'm doing it for myself. A good 40% of the time I would probably geniunely mean it but there's probably a good chance a part of me would be like...nah im gonna look good to show off to others.

In my life now, there are two and a half reasons why I ...
  • dress up like a bird to go out
  • shop for new things
  • put on a gazillion eye products before i leave the house
  • go on a diet.
The first one being I want to look good, so my boyfriend won't leave me. Silly, but very serious. I have to really make it clear though, that there is never a moment in our 16 months (and counting) relationship that he has ever, EVER made a negetive comment about my appearance. Rather its quite the opposite, where he reassures me that he loves me for who I am and I will always be beautiful to him (sorry for the gag factor). So you would think that because I have such a great, non-judgemental boyfriend that I would really not be so concerned with my appearance. I think because of my lack of confidence in myself, I'm afraid that some pretty girl with an equal of a great personality is going to come by and steal him away from me. So its not that I don't trust him, I don't trust other girls AND I feel like he can do better sometimes.

&& I am always concerned about what his friends would think of me, when they meet me for the first time. Will they think, "oh why is A with such a fat/ugly girl?", or something along the lines of that. I'm being SO gay and if he ever reads this he would probably think i am SO immature and stupid, but its very true- this is how i feel and think sadly.

Second reason would be, so I can look better than some people. It's quite pathetic if you think about it, but I dress like its a show, the audience being the people that I want to show off too. I want it to be a big smack to their face, and show them that I can look better. Simple, bitter and gay like that.

The half of a reason is because it makes me feel good when I dress up....which I guess is the adrenaline (spelling?!?) booster for me.

So those are my reasons. Its quite terrible. But I do it, I do it for people who are undeserving and I do it for stupid reasons. So at the end of the day, i don't even know am i superficial and fake, or am I just a silly goose that needs some serious therapy.

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