The most important thing I realized is that painful breakups, unrequited love, shitty jobs and the like help us to BUILD CHARACTER and that no matter how bad it feels, we are much better off because of it. Sometimes you have to stand alone to make sure you can. Forget what you want to remember what you deserve.You may not end up where you thought you'd be, but you'll always end up where you were meant to be. You can either let these bad things, define you, destroy you or strengthen you. Fight through it like a warrior. Greater things are to come.

Monday, May 31, 2010

Employment Insurance

Me:  haha ya.dumb government site
this is SO tedious my gosh. and they want immigrants to figure this out!!?
no wonder everyone is in POVERTY
  LOL YA...combined we have 2 degrees and we can't even figure it out. FAIL

The conversation we had while we were trying to figure out how to apply EI for myself. haha sighs. Like K said though. if Big Greens can do it. SO CAN IIIIII. Lets pray i get approved or else i don't know how i am suppose to support myself this summer with this lifestyle of mine (Starbucks is a VERY costly lifestyle). It would also mean less "mini" vacays dear friends and no kickboxing =[

Anyways. Today was SUPPOSE to be my last day with the rat but im going back on Wednesday to do more loose ends tie up. Hopefully it will be my final day and also the day i get my ROE, portions of my pay (i was cut 40% of what i was originally owed....) and whatever that i need to get my ass outta the dungeon.

A couple of entries back i was blogged about how upset i was when the new intern girl at the company (can't really say OFFICE b/c an office does not exist) gave me a lot of attitude. If you want to meet someone so self-absorbed with themselves? You gotta meet this girl. It's like, she clearly lacks the experience and the design background- so she shouldn't get mouthy with me alright. Sure i might not be as smart, talkative nor ambitious as her are but HELLO. REMINDER. You're just an intern. Aka. The new office bitch. It ain't that special. Anyways today the development manager (someone of authority) finally counted and listed all the stuff she had to take on from me after my last day (now pushed to Wednesday) and she sat there.....speechless. HA. THAT'S RIGHT. She later went on with how much she has to do and that i didn't have to do any of the stuff that being passed to her? HAAAA. Little does she know that my job was hers and MORE. So like i said to her, "Don't talk as if you know my job" because seriously- NOBODY knows the shit i had to endure, do and suck up. A new hired GCM-er actually JUST quit last friday because she couldn't handle the "Stress". The funny thing is that she was only hired for a MONTH on a PT status and she already can't handle it. What does that make me then right? The one that stayed for 14 months. A Super Dork? Yeahhh. I wish. At the very least if i was super, i can get the rest of my pay that is rightfully mine.

But the journey (for money) continues! Super Dork or not.

Thnx to everyone that's been sending me links to jobs via MSN & FB & Email. I appreciate all the help and am thankful that you guys have me in your minds when the economy is so shit!!!!

Sunday, May 30, 2010


“If you love someone, ask him for nothing. Don’t hold him from his destiny. Don’t keep him from going off in search of his own answers. Don’t ask him for commitment. You will know commitment is real when it is something given willingly, and not as something obligatory. Don’t ask him for promises. If you are patient, if you have faith, you will know in your heart when the right time for promises has come. And when that time arrives, then you will see that you have both lost nothing by setting each other free, and have instead gained a richer, fuller life, a wealth of experiences, and a stronger certainty of your desires.

But should he not return to you, then life hasn’t cheated you because no promises were broken. Your bitterness will not last long, and you will feel thankful and blessed that at the very least, this beautiful soul has colored your life, that knowing him has already made life infinitely more meaningful.

By setting a person free, you run a risk of him not returning. But always remember that you found him beautiful precisely because he was free. People are like sunlight. You can feel their warmth, and their glow, but you can’t hold them in your hand and keep them with you forever. People choose to stay. But a choice is made more meaningful when it is made despite so many other options.”

- Ala Paredes

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Prince of Persia

 via (Source)

After a day filled with lots of cheese grating, hamburger patties making and spending time with the cousin- comes my wonderful night with the Prince of Persia aka Jake Gyllenhaal.

Lame. haha

Watched the movie with C and it wasn't a bad movie at all (as the boys probably thought it would be)!!! At the very least- there was LOTS of fighting and war scenes in this movie that got me on the edge of my seat....while sex and the city i was just prayingggggggg for drama to happen. That's the difference there. Its SO sad that im comparing SATC2 with Prince of Persia but seeing i watched two movies back to back, i really gotta say i enjoyed watched Jake Gyllenhaal flex more. haha It WAS a bit outrageous how the movie turned him into this ancient spider-man/superman/jackie chan like person that can climb/jump/fight without a SCRATCH. There was this one scene there was like 10 of these creepy assassin men that was TRAINED to kill and he was able to get away perfectly fine!!!! I mean he's hot but his invincibility kinda bothered me lol

&& at the end this damn black guy stole what could have been MY ticket to claim Prince of Persia promo prizes that could have been the COUSINs gift...grrrrrr.

I gotta go on a movie detox. I swear.

PS. Got these GORGEOUS white Converse ballet flats from the cousin and i LOVE THEM. Thnx love! I can't wait to start dirtying them up by wearing them all summer lol

Mmmmmmm. New Obsession

oh Damon Salvatore (Vampire Diaries). How can one be thisssssss seductive.
He's like a combination of Chuck Bass, Nate Archibald and Edward Cullen...IN ONE.Which to me is impossible but then it is because HE EXISTS. GAHH.

One more time!

Dear god someone fan me.

Back to watching Vampy Diaries!!!!!!!!!

Friday, May 28, 2010

SATC & Girlfriends

Just came home from watching Sex and the City 2 and i think im going to call it a quiet night. Stay in, fold clothes. Clean room. Madea quick trip to Shoppers and Wally (super after dinner stroll by my lonesome self). Work on some Joomla stuff for Jr. Watch Vampire Diaries.

So about the movie! I am extremely sad to say. It was not as good as i hoped it to be. I won't ruin it for people but all i have to say is (and only those who has watched it should understand what im referring to)- its not as easy if in real life. Dot dot dot haha l'll leave that with ya. The movie was clearly again all about the glitz and glam. You see them changing outfits FIVE TIMES in a day??? Yeahhhhh. Not completely realistic. One thing that i did love lots about the movie though, was the undying theme of friendship. From Sam ditching a good fuk for the girls to all of them being at Carrie's side the moment some huge happens. It kinda reminds me of myself...the moment something happens i am surrounded by the same handful of people that contribute differently. One that is logical (J). One that is blunt but comedic (A). One that is supportive (C). One that understands and is empathetic (K). One that would unconditionally love me (P). The movie made me appreciate these friends even more, especially in the given past month. Thank You all again.

I digress.

Back to the movie. Not a very strong story line. The nanny scenes were extremely hilarious and there was A LOT of hot men that made appearances with a special cameo made by a certain fashion guru that i was absolutely delighted to see!!! Aiden is very handsome though i am forever a Big fan. I want to live in Carrie & Big's apartment. Yutty yutty ya.

"You're the one that got away" - Aiden

Oh that make me feel so sad when he said that to Carrie. Sobsx. Love sucks. Period. lol

Just now Jr. told me that he read somewhere that this is potentially the last movie they will be collaborating. That makes me REALLY sad because they did not end the 2nd movie on a high note at all. So disappointing. =[

Twilight & SATC 2

Last night i used two hour of my life to download the Oprah episode with Robert Pattinson (Edward), Kristen Stewart (Bella),  Taylor Lautner (Jacob) in HD.

Anyways to keep this short.....i think i would die if Robert Pattinson knocked on my door. (That's what he did to a couple of fans!!!) And Taylor Lautner would not have a chance of leaving the house the same again. (if he came to my house) Muahahhaha


Wrap up with the rat today. i pray to god its the last i ever have to step foot in the dungeon.

&& then SEX&THECITY2 with twin. Watched  the trailer again and i am getting majorly excited all over again. FAKK ITS GONNA BE SO GOOOOOOOOOOD. Hopefully it lives up to the first movie because i was SO in love with the first movie. It could not have been any more perfect.

Apparently according to Rottentomatoes (a movie rating site), the movie is at 14% (which means its REALLY BAD). That said a reviewer wrote: " So, should you see it? If you're a SATC devotee, does it matter what this review says? It shouldn't." - Ai. So true. I'll love it no matter what even if it is shit haha

Then home i go to work on stuff for junior. Does anyone know how to use Joomla?? (PM me) I need like a crash course on this.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

TVB Rant

Okay i am going to continue with my rant because i need some mad distractions or else im going to start thinking again.

I'm watching that new series and omg i need a man like raymond lam and kenneth ma. Wow. hahaha i am in love with them. i don't know who i am more attracted to haha

Sighs. <3 lol 

Bitch you aint got nothing of me.

That is all.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

TVB Fans Only [Pic Spam]

New series im watching- Mysteries of Love and for the first time in what....8 years?!?!? Raymond Lam and Tavia are FINALLY PAIRED TOGETHER AGAIN. Ohmygod. This is going to be ROMANTICCCCCC. Ever since Golden Faith. I am forever their fan!! I cannot stand Raymond with Charmaine/Myolie/linda (ESPECIALLY her). Argh Yuck. That same goes with I can't stand watching Bosco being paired with anybody else aside from Myolie....or Kevin with Niki Chow. It just doesn't work lol.

AWWWW. Look at them! haha Anyways l'll stop. Since. Nobody really cares anyways haha unless you're a TVB fan

i love you raymond lam!!!!

(Oh and Kenneth Ma is pretty damn HAWWTTT in the series too)


YESSSSS. TOP SHOP IS COMING TO TORONTO!!!!!!!!!!! (A UK-based Women Clothing Store. Its male equivalent is Top Men). It's similar to H&M but i find it to be more stylish and with more of a designer-feel to it. Opening Saturday June 19th, 9am. It is going to be MADNESS.

First Victoria Secret. Now Top Shop!!! I really need a new job so i can support Top Shop haha.

Read all about it here (link)

Random note: FIFA 2010 in FIFTEEN DAYS!!!!!


Today i did the unspeakable. i called up the rat to tell him that i have no more drive to design anything for him. Whether its a waste of my time or a waste of his money, it just didn't matter anymore because i couldn't get anything out. It was 6am. I found mysekf doing squat and nothing that i was doing seemed to look good. He probably hates me. I also hope he knows he's the reason why i'm so burnt out but he probably just thinks im being immature and unprofessional. A "kid" as he calls me. Never thought this day would come. I probably burned that bridge by doing that but meeh. What's been done has been done. Now if only that transition period will be over with. I am so fed up and stressed just thinking about it.

After coming back from Montreal it also gt me thinking of working out of the province. Montreal is quite similar to Toronto with the exception of more stylish areas part of the city and less asians. It's also not that bad in terms of the language barrier problem because everyone that i spoke to, knew english. As R put it, i no longer have any more attachments in Toronto i should consider working elsewhere. Which is somewhat true. I guess that goes to any place out of Toronto/Markham/Scarb/RichmondHill/Sauga. Never reallly saw myself migrating elsewhere but seeing how many others are taking that starting to consider it too. It would be the perfect opportunity to finally be independent.

Anyways, its just a thought.

Hot Yoga tonight. Hopefully my practice today will be better than the last time i did it.

Montreal & GNOx3

Warning now. This is going to be long.&& Things will be added periodically throughout the day because i wanted to publish this so people have something to read!!!! So come back!

I am finally back from Montreal and it feels really different coming back. Aside from the astronomical pain from my feet (i still can't walk properly) which completely makes me wonder how its possible. I swear ive clubbed more before and i've never had this problem so i am suspicious it might be something else but no idea what in the world it can be. I digress. Anyways i returned feeling really bittersweet because of the epiphany morning i had on my second night in MTRL. It's like the awakening from a really amazing dream but the reality is that you can't be dreaming forever. I'll elaborate on that later. Back to the trip.

DAY 0.5. 
The girls came to get me and we departed TOR at around 7pm and arrived in MTRL at 12:30am ish and decided to start on the dancing and drinking. P's friend L was very generous and kind to offer us his hospitality for the night (since we booked the hotel for Sat morning and on) and actually for the entire weekend he was a great host. We totally owe him one on that. Just some thoughts in point-form:

  • The poutine wasn't very good. And this was my after drinking snack at 330am and most of the time food after drinking is always food...i was royally disappointed because i expected to eat the most amazing poutine in Mtrl & i didnt. Boourns.
  • The clubs/bars/lounge (we club-hopped) we went to....were 90% guys. Not good looking ones either. There were ALOT of "Afro-Canadians" (lol). I found that UBER weird.
  • There were NO asians (guy or girl!!!!!!!!). Only P, L and i were asian.
  • They played ONLY House music. No need to elaborate there because house music gives me a fucking headache.
  • Slept at 5am after a failed attempt to inflate an air mattress lol

Day 2

  • I think i'm on an Eggs Benedict high. I love that stuff. I can drink that hollandaise sauce stuff i swear
  • We spent the day roaming DT Mtrl. It was actually the same day that the Mtrl Habs were playing and i was really scared because of the previous "happy riot" which resulted in stores being looted and lots of arrests made. I was kinda antsy for sure. 
  • Also got our nails and toes done. We spent FOUR HOURS at P's Dad's salon. It was LONG haha. lol 
  • Ok but that was NOTHING compared to us getting ready to go out that night with Ram and the boys. 
  • It was mainly us trying to keep K in the washroom so we can prepare for her belated birthday "surprise". Hapy Belated Dear!!! =]
  • Usher's OMG has OFFICIALLY become our new anthem. When that song is played, we seriously go freaking nuts (in the club or at the hotel room). It's SO annoying but i can't stop putting it on repeat. 
  • I got SO trashed that night. It was the best type of buzz/trashed where I don't remember portions of the night (actually they were VERY fuzzzzy) and danced without feeling the pain in my feeet but I don't rmb half of the shit that happened. i REALLY need someone to tell me what happened. haha
  • I walked home barefooted. The whole nine yards!!! 
  • This was also my epiphany night. Slept at 6am

But the cousin read somewhere that Urban Outfitters is going bankrupt!??! (In Canada). Someone confirm that for me please!!!!!!!!!

Day 3

  • We morphed into tourists and did lots of tourist-y like things. 
  • I had a bitching time during dimsum. I really don't like poor customer service and i especially do not like it coming from CHINESE people. Specifically little dimsum ladies that basically BULLY us because we're a bunch of younger girls that don't know how to properly eat dimsum. Yeah well when poor service involves food, i actually get ALOT more pissed and then i become mouthy. Not a good experience, i completely lost my appetite.
  • Walked around Old Montreal and eventually became so exhausted we HAD to go back to nap for a good 3 hours before going out to eat and club for one more night
  • We played 100 during dinner and was TERRIBLY disappointed. Zero hot men. i Swear they mustve gone to Toronto
  • The club/party we went to was actually really dry.....until DJ Baby Yu (Toronto Dj!!!!!!) started spinning and that's when it became pretty awesome
  • I was surprised how good looking he was. (Y) Too bad i heard he's a midget.
  • I would say this would be our wildest night. I also must keep in mind that i am NOT 21 anymore and i cannot do what i use to be able to do. It is very dangerous. lol
  • The girls dancing on stage here in MTRL are so much friendlier than the ones in toronto!! they invite you to go up on stage and even dance with you!! i swear all the girls in TO they just wanna hog the damn stage/platform and gives you the bitch stare of death of u dare try to come on. Some might even wanna try to kill you!!! But that's just me exaggerating.
  • Slept at 5am

Day 4 (Things slowed down)
  • On the last day, we honestly were just so damn pooped. Cleaning up of the hotel room was brutal because it looked like the room exploded and threw up plastic cups, towels, makeup and pink feathers lol
  • Had breakfast with L at Coras. Again, me with the awesome Egg Benedict.
  • Then went around town to buy smoked meat and bagels. I was at the point that i couldn't even walk in i stayed in the car and opted out of these "Delicious" bagels i was told about.
  • So i also bought this...smoked meat sandwich and it was DISGUSTINGLY good. I should have bought about 8 of them home.
  • The car ride home was soooo long. Thank god for Sex and the City on DVD!!

I love you girls.

Thank you for being there with a shoulder when i needed it most (cousin).

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

On Repeat

What could have been.

Monday, May 24, 2010


And will be bloggggggging.


Love u girls. <3

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Feet hurts

Day 3 in Montreal and I exhausted. And I mean that in pretty much all aspect lol I have had...12 hrs of sleep since Thursday!!! So far the trip has been quite fabulous. Clubbing two nights in row, tonight will make it three. I am so "drinked" out its not even funny lol Last night was unbelievably INSANE. Ram and the guys joined us (after watching the disgusting defeat of the Cabs) and as always there's lots of fun things to be said bout their bunch, when drunk...and with us drunk too, is epic. Good timessss.

Currently tanning in the hotel "terrace" or...outdoor lounge area. Blogging. Drinking Starbucks (thnx to Lil that got up and did an sb run for us) and refraining from thinking way too much. (Not working)

Ok. Pits sweating. Good day to all!

----Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network


It could be...the alcohol. It could be..the fact that I'm thinking too much. Thus emo blogging and possibly subjected to deletion when I'm back in toronto.

But it hit so hard tonight. For the first time.

The optimistic perspective/facade disappeared? And all I saw empty future. I saw a dark blue sky with no light. No hope. A sunrise that was promised to me but will never come.

And it hurt so much. Crying in the hotel corridor b/c I was too scared to "wake" the other girls is my first extreme.

I don't know a damn thing anymore.

----Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

Friday, May 21, 2010

Internet on the Road

Ahhh I am on zee road with the girls. On our way to Montreal for the long weekend. Its going to be madddd insane. I KNOW it lol So on top of each of us having a phone with internet (3 iphones vs 1 blackberry!!! Arghhhh), (and data charges are apparently free according to L), Lil also brought her laptop!!!! Sooooo lots of periodic blogging from meee. =D


The earlier portion of my day was dedicated to Sb and movies (Robin Hood) with the boys.
A minor interruption for a meeting with the rat occurred in the middle of the day. That meeting really upset me because I came out feeling really cheated. Not only was I being pretty much insulted by the intern but the fact that I was thinking of how the likelihood of me being paid in full for my 80+ hours is pretty low. I was thinking of how I could have used that time to do better things...spent it with certain people. Maybe I would have caught onto something...could have done something to prevent it and I wouldn't be where I am today. But no. All a waste. Cheated of time that could have been better spent creating more memories. And I'm sure the boys can see it all on my face. I'm thankful I don't need to deal with this anymore after the end of this month. Amen to that.

As for the movie, Robin Hood was mediocre. I kinda feel like the story on paper/bookform might have been more exciting. The plot was completely written in a way where its setting up for a Robin Hood 2. I love Cate Blanchett. She's SO beautiful in such an old world way. Timeless, vintage beauty. Her paired with Russell Crow is really sexy. The chemistry was definitely there. It made me feel warm seeing them on screen. Overall. Okay movie. Lol

Ohtayyy. Tired. Done. For now. (Hopefully the formattting doesn't look like crap).

4 hours to go???

Stay tuned.

----Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

Thursday, May 20, 2010



i feel so freaking embarrassed.

Like the type that makes my face go tomato red and as hot as a venti tea.

I realllly hope nobody read that.


That is all.

GMH (Gives me Hope)

When my sister was younger she came home from school one day and demanded i take her to the library so she could get books on sign language. I asked why? She told me there was a new kid at school who was deaf and she wanted to befriend him. Today, i stood beside her, at their wedding, watching her sign, "I do."

SOBSxAWWWWx i love shit like that.haha

I apologize if my last post was a bit mean and bitchy...but i was in a really foul mood. You guys should know me by now that i'm nice!!!

Anyhoo. Sb Session (again) & Movie with the boys tmr for the first half of the day && then MONTREAL!!!!!

Starbuck Bitch Rant...Kinda

I am probably being extremely dramatic about this again. But i really hate, when the Baristas "teach" me how to order. ARGh. It's ALWAYSS the fcuking Cafe Vanillas. I'm starting to get annoyed with this drink because it ALWAYS gives me grief whenever i order it. Is it really that hard to just be polite about it? Its different when you tell someone the appropriate way of ordering and when you start TEACHING someone like they are a toddler. Man Fuck You. No tip and dirty looks for the rest of my six hours here you WHORE.



AND. i really hate where i am sitting. i am not motivated to do ANY work. 

Wednesday, May 19, 2010


I think i've gotten a lot more grouchier with the fam. My brother pointed out that everyone is so damn tense when we converse now. He thought it was stupid that we the whole table got all upset and tense over where to buy dimsum for lunch. Shit. Its just fucking hai gow's right?

I agree with him completely.

I take things extremely personal and i become very defensive now.

I hope its just a phase. i hate not getting along with my parents.


I think i am going to start getting into illustrating and see where that takes me. J is super awesome and offered to lend me his tablet because illustrating with a mouse is a big big pain. Thanks yous. I just gotta find a day when i can go dt to get it....and maybe pay back all the bbt i owe for all the favors in the past lol.

I'm around the 6 hour mark for Starbucks and it's getting a little overwhelming...sitting here since 1130am haha I've been so cheap and keep asking for free refills on iced coffees. It's people like me that SB must really hate. The "loitering" type that takes advantage of their "free" policies heh. Even though i ammmmm starting to get a little sick of this place.

But I will be back tomolo! (Because the work does not stop....neither does the downloading) lol I'll just sit somewhere else.


(via Source)

iwant. ipad.
(Even though Chocolate's research and critique isn't too positive)

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Gossip Girl Season 3 Finale

Oh Chuck and Blair. LIFE IS SO UNFAIRRRR.

SOOOOO. Just finished watching it and i gotta say that the Season 3 finale is by far is the most exciting and messed up one TO DATE. It was literally one messed up thing after another. I actually screamed out loud at the end of the episode. It was so loud my mom ran into my room to see if i was okay. It must have been the first time i have EVER did that.

IT WAS ABSOLUTE INSANE-NESS. was not as painful as i envisioned it to be. It was really just lots of OH-EMM-GEEs one after the another. I can't even imagine what is there to expect for season 4.

Quick thoughts-

  • Nate is SO pretty. What pretty guy. I love staring at Nate's pretty face. 
  • Blair. I cannot even begin explaining how much pain i feel for her.
  • Chuck...oh chuck..........i love you. NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO. SOBSx.
  • Serena is lame. She uses every damn summer to "find herself. GAY.
  • Jenny- Psycho EVIL Bitch
  • Georgina- TRIPLE Psycho Bitch
  • Dan- He's annoying too. Get your feelings straight!!!
  • Vanessa- M-I-A. hahah no comment
Gossip Girl is SO damn insightful. Who would have thought so eh. 

Time to rewatch season 1 seeing i just finished all of season 2 (again) last night.



I finally did what i've been meaning to do since November 2009.

I finally gave in my resignation letter

&& it felt great.

Like a huge rock's been lifted off of my shoulders. It went quite pleasant. It wasn't as bloody as i've envisioned it in my dreams (lots of violence, cussing, throwing letter in face-drama). But that comes with another "decision" i must make. Hopefully i can get some feedback from the boys and another few that i trust before i actually make that decision.

That said i have one HUGE battle (re: money owe-age issue) left to fight before i leave the rat's dungeon once and for all. (ARGH ARGH. Thinking about that makes me SO mad)

Wish me good luck. There is probably going to be casualties involved.

Raw raw raw.

Gossip Girl time!
Probably will be back in an our or two, to whine about how sad it was. Apparently it was extremely painful and dramaful.

Monday, May 17, 2010


This has been bothering me all afternoon and i just wanted to get it off my chest.

Today i did something really stupid by accident.

It became even more stupid when i started to not know what the hell to say. I should have taken full advantage of the call...but i didn't because i was simply put- being extremely stupid and i seriously felt like i had some sort of crazy nervous attack. I'm sorry. I wish it would have lasted longer. There was so much to catch up on, so much to say but i don't know what got into me.

Hope its not like that the next time because I really wanted to talk..... Sad face.


New day tomorrow. I'm trying to not be sad and dwell on my stupid mistake. Using the night to recuperate and start working hard again tomorrow. I have about 2-3 weeks to complete this "campaign" that i'm working on. Any more time after that is wasted job-applying time. 

SB DL-6 hr Session tmr again.


Honestly i am so stressed.
I don't need my parents marking a bullseye on both my brother and mine's back every single day.
I'm so tired of needing to defend. Helping him defend. To explain.

I know they are confused and frustrated but its making me even more less inclined to explain everything when they attack us like that.It's become like a battle of words exchanged every day.I don't want it to become hostile and i don't want to say hurtful words but hurtful words come out more easily when you just don't have the mental capacity to search for right/neutral words.

I'm just so exhausted and starting to lose focus again.

Alone and unfocused. The absolutely last thing i need right now.


( via Source )
To see a lion in your dream, symbolizes great strength, aggression and power. You will overcome your emotions and/or difficulties. As king of the jungle, the lion also represents dignity, royalty, leadership, pride and domination.You have much influence over others. You need to exercise some restraint in your own personal and social life.

To dream that you are attacked by a lion, indicates that you have many obstacles to overcome. You must resist the force that is driving you to self-destruction.

To see a carpet in your dream, represents your way of protecting yourself from life's harsh realities.

Sunday, May 16, 2010


I really need opinions/feedback. It's kind of important

Illustrated in Illustrator (duh). More details (in the illustration) to come. More tweaking and work needs to be put into it but its preliminary. SUPPOSE to look like drawn freehand. I would like some feedback before i continue on. Suppose to be a cartoon/playful/spin characture of me. I realized that the cartoon is very fat and twin says im far from it but i think shes cute................and like i said its suppose to be "cartooon"-y.
Verdict: SOOOOOOOOO. What do you guys think. Cute or Gay?

Twitter/FB/Comment (You don't need a Blogspot account, Anonymous is allowed)/MSN/E-mail


# # #

Spent the day with C doing our usual random wanderings across Scarborough and Markham. I have not seen her in...i actually believe it might be a year. But it felt just like yesterday when she use to drive up to my place and smoke on the curb and rant about how shitty life is lol. Today was the first day when i talked about it that i didn't cry. Maybe it was her reassurance or maybe because i'm so horribly numb from crying that i just don't have the strength to anymore. Regardless it was a good day spent. We were at SB @ First Markham and i didn't fidget/have a mental breakdown like i did last time. *Pat on back* I also discovered how delicious Milestone's brunch is and it makes me want to eat Egg Benedicts all day. See you again maybe this week dear? (Before your flight).

Whenever we come out we always talk about the lives of others that we know and how long we've come along since we first met. She brought up that we're at that age where we just don't have the mental capacity to chase down people whom we thought were "our friends" but lost contact. This IS the time when you should know whom you can count on...whom you can turn to in desperate times. It makes me very thankful for that handful that are in my life. I'm very lucky in that sense. I owe it to them for surviving for this long. Also we talked about some other people whom i guess, crossed our paths the wrong way and we've lived with this constant bitterness for many years. There's one person whom i feel like we got off on the wrong foot and we COULD have potentially been good friends. I lived with this bitterness for five years. Hopefully there is some near-future chance that I can make amends with this person.

I guess this is all part of this thing call growing up.

Saturday, May 15, 2010


Chocolate totally made my night by showing me HIS usage. 
lol damn you and your UNLIMITED BANDWIDTH.

Thank You



Do you know what's worst than having family fights?

Coming out of them with no one to turn to for support afterwards.....

My dad was so angry tonight.

He burned everything in his path, including me.

I felt everything, the truth, the hopes burn in front of my eyes.

I didn't know what burned more.

Either way it feels horrible. And id trade anything to not feel like this.


Thought: There are just so many bitter people in this world. Not enough nice people.

I woke up extra early this morning to head out to Leslie Station to return a portfolio that i found there yesterday. I would think that most people would probably rummage through it to see if there's anything valuable and then leave it if there was nothing of value..or simply walk past it and ignore it for the caretakers to discard of at the end of the day. I thought it was the right thing to do to take it and return it because i felt like, if i lost something...i would hope someone would return it to me too. Anyways so i ventured out to go meet with the owner when things just kept on not going well. It was cold...the bus was almost an hour late..i was hungry and didn't dress appropriately because i lost my black coat..might have left it someones house...and on top of that the bus driver was a fucking racist. In short, another Chinese girl and i jumped to a Chinese grandma's defense when the jackass opened his mouth and said "You Chinese People lag EVERYTHING". Erm. Yeah. What the fuck right. Shit it was not pretty. I believe that girl said she's going to make a formal complaint and we exchanged contacts and everything in case she needs me again for a statement or whatever. On the way there, i saw a mother that was completely mistreating her kids. I wanted to yell but i think i did enough and i should mind my own business. I started to think maybe being nice like this....gets you no where. Meaningless bullshit keeps coming at you no matter what. Anyways i made it to the station, returned the stuff and the lady looked extremely grateful. I'm glad i could have helped. Minus everything else that happened. Mainly because i believe in Karma/好心有好報. Even if it doesn't feel like it right now.

Anyways i came home, hoping to have some peace and quiet to a somewhat tiring morning to discover that my mom and grandma are going at each other like its a contest to see who can be loudest. Unbelievable, what they were fighting over. No wonder i am such a freak. All generations of women in my family are CRAZY. I couldn't even wait for my brother to come home with the metro pass (to use it) to go to Starbucks because their little screaming match was getting repetitive and annoying. On top of that i need to do work and download stuff (heh).

Not a good day. Waiting for 2 o'clock Fail. Just went to get one and was embarrassingly declined because it actually starts at THREE. Not Two. Bleh. Mega Starbucks Fail. Don't know how i can got that wrong. to get me a half-priced frap to make myself feel better.

Go go go Downloads.

Go go go Premium Megaupload Account!


# # #

Update: A bit creeped out. A GROUP of Japanese men are speaking (violently) to one another and sitting in front of me. I wonder are they going to whip out their swords and start to kill each other if "things don't go well".

Update Again: Scary. One of the men just moved my bag and sat at my table. HMMM. Damns you Starbucks why can't you have more plugs around the store.

Update Again Again: Okay they've calmed down and now laughing. I think i'm going to live til happy hour starts.

Friday, May 14, 2010


My current internet usage status:

13.28GBS left. 18 days left until our billing cycle ends. That's equivalent to only 730MBs can be used each day.


Guess who'll be at Starbucks this weekend and all week and weekendS for the next 3 weeks doing all of my family's downloading? haha sighs. i think this month is the perfect month to purchase a megaupload account.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Freaking out ....over bedsheets

Okay so i was originally going to bus to Ikea to get myself the Duvet cover set (mentioned in previous entry). Then the cousin offered to go with me and totally helped me save the trip. When we got there- there was no more. Empty, zero, ziltch. Bin was like a bottomless pit. Oh there was PLENTY of TWIN sizes but all the QUEEN sizes were goneeeee. I don't think the cousin noticed but i felt my eyes begin burning and tearing up...immediately. I don't know why i began flipping out. I don't know whether it was because it was the huge disappointment of getting there and there not being anymore and i've wanted it for a year or so or because i was in IKEA for the first time since it happened but i just felt so incredibly sad. I kept on thinking why i can't even have fucking bedsheets that i want. Anyways I totally sucked it up again when my cousin did something REALLY funny (hahaha im sooooo sorry again for laughing like that). The night was kind of a waste for us cuz we walked out with NOTHINGGG. Sorry for dragging you out on such a nasty day!!

SOOOOO i am going to go again by myself tomorrow morning. Bright and early..

Hopefully they've restocked and i can get them. It would be the first thing that will go right for me and maybe l'll feel better. Argh. I hate you IKEA.

Bright side of tonight was C msged me to see if i was okay. I was very happy to hear from her...we havn't spoke in SO long and she's normally one of the first people i would call to talk to because she lives down the street from me. But because we havn't talked for that long, i didn't want to message her because i didn't want t to seem like l'm only messaging her so i can complain about my problems and when life is dandy i go MIA. That said, it meant a lot to me when she pinned me and im thankful to know that we still can relate to one another and she still cares about me. <3!ThankYou.


Yes they do

To dream that you are happy, may be a compensatory dream and is often a dream of the contrary. You may be trying to compensate for the sadness or stress in your waking life.

To see jade in your dream, indicates healing powers, immortality, and truth. Additionally, it also represents growth, shaping and development of your personality

To dream that you are pregnant, symbolizes an aspect of yourself or some aspect of your personal life that is growing and developing. You may not be ready to talk about it or act on it.This may also represent the birth of a new idea, direction, project or goal.

To see someone nursing or dream that you are nursing, suggests that you are nurturing a hidden aspect of yourself.

Props to my sub-conscious yo. and this is why i trust my sub-conscious.

# # #

Completely random but i MUST GET TO IKEA.

Its the exact same set that've been trying to save up for....or shall i say the same set that i've wanted but havn't had the heart to buy for myself.....sighs. Why is IKEA so hard to get to by bus???? fcukery i hope i don't miss out.

Bedtime Thoughts

Tonight i attended Hot Yoga for the first time in almost a month and a half. Sadly i did not have a very good practice. In short-

  • I forgot a full-length bath towel (used to cover the yoga mat) and only had a small face cloth therefore my mat was WET due to my sweat (Sooo yuucky. i hafta hose it down tmr in my yard or something!!!)
  • It was extra hot (or at least it felt like it) and because of that i think i might have broke my record of sweating during hot yoga. Kept on slipping because body was WET.
  • Couldn't focus. Couldn't stay strong. Very distracted by inner thoughts.
I think my goal for the next couple of sessions is to really try to refocus...and clear my mind. It's very frustrating because i've been doing this for a couple of months and i should be getting good at this, not declining in progress. I guess i shouldn't be so hard on myself given the circumstances (physically and emotionally unfit) but i really felt like crap when i left the room. I didn't even stay for the "meditation"/"rest"/"calm" period at the end because i was that disappointed. I hate being weak. Hopefully next week will be better.

Tonight also got me thinking. I mentioned this to the cousin and K already....but i feel like i have no right to whine and complain about how sad i am when there's A LOT of people who's had much worst things happen to them. I was sad today. Again. Actually i have not been happy at all (SURPRISE) and people who has seen me, can see it. But i brave on that smile and people tell me that they're proud of me for at least trying. Then i see others....who seems to just be having it worst than me/or in the same position as i. The only difference is it seems like they don't know how to handle themselves and the situation they are in. I saw what lack-of-motivation can do to a person. How a person looks when there's no more drive in their eyes. What a person would do when hope doesn't exist anymore. I didn't know what to do or say because it was just too much. I don't know how i can handle comforting someone else when i feel like i am doing a sub-mediocre job for myself. Hopefully she'll be okay. Good people doesn't deserve things like that.

That said now, so who am i to complain anymore? (This is why a potential new secret blog might be in creation. No worries friends. If i do create a "secret" blog. I'll leave clues/traces everywhere. If you know me well, you'll know where to look. Again, Still contemplating. )

On a bright note!!!!! (Can't be all boohoo sob sobsx right)  
This afternoon after my completely wasted morning (refer to my latest bitching on the go entry) i got a sudden rush of creative energy (in MONTHS) and i totally went all out & was actually able to get a portfolio website up (kind of). Yays. I actually had the link to the website up for a good 8 hours (somewhere on my blog) but decided to take it down until its closer to completion. I'm working on what i call the "Please-hire-Dorkkly/Kay" Marketing Campaign. Hopefully with the time (effort & a little bit of money) that i'll be putting into this, it will land me "that" job and "pay off". haaaa. Okay. Very lame. But in all seriousness, K thought it was very witty and original when i presented the preliminary concept and website progress up to this point. Must get more opinions in soon time.

Guess that's it. I should really get some sleep.

每一日,慢慢來. 一步一步來.


Wednesday, May 12, 2010


via Source

On-the-go Blogging/Bitching

Yawns. I'm currently at the Pension/Old Age Security Canada Office with zee mother and grandma to get an address change. We've been waiting for about 45mins (and counting) to get a simple address change. Omgoddd. What in the world is going on in the "back" that is taking soooo long.


Unbelievable. Its either there's some old age security crisis they need to tend to for the Prime Ministers grandma that requires ALL on-duty employees or all the damn workers are waiting for their freaking Timmiez and aren't moving their asses until they get it!!!! I have already "kindly helped myself" (took) all the available "employment" resources for my brother, printed plenty of job listings for myself, brother and father (the Pension/OldAge office is shared with Employment Canada) and almost finished my Sb tea ON TOP of the waiting - almost no change in the sequence of people who were here before us. Only 2 people were served. GAHH.

There's also a guy here that's walking around helping the patrons on the computers. Clearly he works for the government too. He came up to me too and asked if I needed help. The first thing I thought was how much was he paid (must be plentifuls!!!!!), not what I should answer him (a polite no thanks).

I along with the many people I know, we hold a strong stereotype biased against Government workers and feel like they are snooty and enjoys taking their time doing nothing....while being paid quite "healthy"-ly. All workers should be paid healthyyyyyyyyyy like these........I just saw a man walk to the back carrying newspapers and lots of timmiessss.


Wells. Since I can't join em. I can only hate. Haaaa

Okay Bye.


Ok so it was finally our turn just now and the address change took literally 3 minutes. Why? Because they actually received prior notification from Revenue Canada about the address change but they were unable to "accept" (and chose to IGNORE IT) it because the person (my grandma) has not come to confirm this with them (being Pension/OldAgeSecurity). Um. I would think if one side of the government has already verified and approved of the change, why would the other side not trust that? Talk about INEFFICIENCIES. OMGG. So I literally think all she had to do was click a CONFIRM button and there goes my morning!!!!!I lost my morning to a CLICK OF A BUTTON. ( I hate being SO dramatic but i really could have been doing something else and saved almost 7 bucks in bus fare cuz i paid for both my mom AND my grandma).

That said, after being helped and on our way going home my grandma did not stop raving to my mom about how:
"lek" (successful/good/smart)
"see mun" (polite/courteous)
and "lang" (pretty) 
the Chinese girl that did the CLICKING for us, was. I suppose comparatively, i am pretty not lek, not lang and really not that see mun. In fact im quite cho lo (butch, mean, rough). I can definitely see why my grandma preferred the clicky girl. Bleh&sighs.

Oh and btw. during my walk towards/out from the "back", I noticed people mingling with timmies in one hand and trail mix in the other.


Government of Canada you fail.  
(But I would still love to work for u and maybe show my grandma i can be "lek" too....)

----Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

我是自戀狂- I am a Cam Whore.

HAHAHAH. i swear he's like the only Chinese-Speaking V-Blogger/Youtube-er that i actually like. &&& he's from toronto too! The thing that i think that makes it REALLY funny, was the entire time i kept on thinking how much the vid described a friend. Too damn funny haha.

15 minutes

After about two weeks of absence from the rat. I really thought that perhaps after one vacation and one life-changing tragedy, it would have dampened my feelings towards this man and his company.


A 15 minute conversation completely insulated that wrath, that hatred, the unbelievable STRESS that i have been carrying since day 1 when i first started. This further validates (and all the other bs that's accumulated in the past 13 months) that my decision is in fact correct.

Fcuk you Rat. Seriously. Choke and choke even more.

rar rar rar

The last three Gossip Girl episodes has hit the heart hard. I was talking to K while watching the episodes in one go and the themes that were brought up were a bit personal which i found to be completely ironically scary.

 "Whether its love or war you are outfitting for, thank god for friends and fashion"
" I don't want us to be making decisions based on our fear. Whatever happens, we'll figure it out. "

Who knew Gossip Girl can be so profound!?!? Sobsx
& they also play really emo and sadistic-like music that i really enjoy. (i.e. Scanners-Salvation)

Anyways, I hope Blair and Chuck get back together.

My heart hurts for them. lol : (

Season finale next week!!!! I think its going to be the best one to date. Its going to be SO good, scandalous, explosive and heartbreaking. I can smellllll it.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Asian Invasion

I'm not sure if many people has heard about this but this was actually announced back in March- plans for a new Pacific Mall, Version 2.

Look at how DULL and UGLY Pmall (aka pac mall, tai gu, etc.) currently looks. This is what the NEW pmall will potentially look like-

Glamorous eh??? Don't mistaken this for the new Remington Centre (the NEW Market Village that will be torn down to become a 800,000-sq-ft Chinese-themed mall with a 20-storey hotel and condominium tower seen below) that is being built RIGHT beside it. Pacific Mall 2 is a completely separate project.

DAY VIEW. via Remington

Even though Pmall Version 2  has not been approved by the town of Markham (yet) but these two POWER Asian Malls might potentially be at the corner of Steeles and Kennedy in approximately four years...which is almost like a snap of fingers. Image that. I also heard from my dad that they are planning to "upgrade" the failed-Splendid Tower (across the street) by expanding it or something. I think its such a bad investment when the mall itself is so dead (like Oriental Centre on Brimley and Sheppard..thats another huge real estate FAIL right there) and i cannot image an expansion can help it any more than Raymond Lam or Kevin Cheng can when they were invited as guests to help "promote" the mall. If they can't- NOTHING CAN.

Anyways so lets say that this project is a GO, this would mean:
  • Doubled the retail space ~ equalvalent to about an exta 450-500 new stores
  • Increased parking ~ 1,300 to 1,500 spaces.
  • An underground traffic tunnels for cars turning left from Steeles into the mall. (The tunnel, similar to one at the nearby IBM campus on Steeles & Warden/Esna Park-ish)
  • New Hotel (Do i sense a Casino coming as well........)
  • A more attractive, flashier exterior
  • Every Asian in ONTARIO potentially gathering here for dimsum every weekend.
Interesting, no?

My only thoughts on this is that they are kind of stupid to want to build a HOTEL when Remington next to them has already declared their plans (first) to build a TWENTY (not two) storey Condo/Hotel (concept similar to the Pantages Hotel dt)...they are practically throwing their money away into Lake Ontario. Also i feel like their "target market" is really undefined. The current clientele pmall serves ranges from fobby teens, to families with kids, to HK-ers that misses HK, people that needs bootlegged stuff, Caucasians that needs rims,  Browns and Blacks that needs Cellphones and couples that are bored. I'm not sure now with this new "look" they are going for how its going to work out. See if they brand themselves into a classy/Yorkdale-like type of mall (catered for Asians) with lots of hot expensive brands that asians like (i,e,MuiMui/Celine/DKNY/LV)..then they lose the business of pretty much every single other type of people apart from obviously those that can afford it. They also risk THEFT because they are forgetting that Pmall is STILL located in SCARBOROUGH and we know what that means.......heh. That said if they are still catering to the same current clientele, then all this work that is going to be put into having a Condo/Hotel and a flashy exterior is going to be SUCH a waste if there's still going to be Supermarkets (Gai Sees) where big greens go freaking crazy fighting over cheap corn and Grandpas&Grandmas doing their daily loitering in the food court.

But I WOULD appreciate a better food court. i heard in HK, the food courts in their 30 storey malls are extremely heavenly.

Just my two cents. Nice try pmall people.

Can read all about this exciting news here and here


God my Chinese is SO bad and broken. To friends that can read that- u are forbidden to laugh.

Tonight is the last night i am allowed to be like this.

From now on its all about me and finding meself a job that can freaking support for my shopoholic tendaciesssssssssssss && to hell with the ratttttttttt.

There is no denying this will be difficult but i believe i can do it. && for the most part i think so does most people. Everyone's just gotta give me time to morph myself into a machine because machines have no emotions thus no pain.

No hurt.


Wish i paid more attention in Chinese school


我明白他的原因, 他的道理. 是真的.


我不知道是不是真的. 我真是很怕. 我不想去想. 我不應該去想.

同時, 我明白現在最重要的一點, 是我自己. 不是“我和你” (如果還有“我和你”..). 我知道我一定要非常的努力去將完成我需要完成的事. 我不會辜負我自己和關心我的人. 當我做我要做的事, 我不會想其他的事. 大家可以放心. 我只是想打出我的感覺但我不想用英語來表達因為我沒有人和我一起分擔這痛的感覺...

我只想他 1.成功, 2.做他需要做的事...和期望...他仍然有同樣的感覺,他仍然愛我...

我真的希望..這是,不是我和你終點. 只是考嚴.



Sunday, May 9, 2010


Twin says:
 buffy the vamp slayer is on tv and angel is evil
 Mmmmmmmmmmm evil mmmmmm
 ooops wrong person HAHAHAHA
 carry on
Twin says: i was suppose to send this to U but i ended up sending it to colin

oh how you can make me any time.

Why is it so Cold Outside?

Suddenly caught a blogging bug. Going to be jumping all over the place.

This morning i woke up and as usual i would turn on my laptop and logged into facebook/twitter/blog/gmail. After all these years i am still such an addict and stalker. I guess its just my "curious" nature heh. Anyhoo, the first thing i saw was an acquaintance (i can't really call her a friend and the word acquaintance seems so distant but there is no other word to describe how i know her lol) changed her relationship status to Engaged! Immediately i felt extremely happy for her because i know that shes been with her now-fiancee for a long time and they seem to be very in love. I don't really know much about the boyfriend but lx has talked to him once and from what i heard, hes a very good and hardworking guy that works like three jobs to save for their future. Things like that validate the relationship even more when both parties work hard together for a better future. It is not an off balance relationship where the girl is giving more or not giving at all which is why seeing this news makes me very happy. Even though i do not know her very well, i would say i know her close friends more and they are all ecstatic for her. All the best to her and her fiancee.

So the next thing i normally do after Facebook, is to proceed onto "decoding" my dreams. I've been doing that almost every single morning because i am trying to find some sort of meaning . I don't want to sound spiritual or anything like that but since i am completely confused with everything when im conscious, i would think its safe to trust that my subconscious might have picked up something when my thick-head conscious doesn't.
To see a waterfall in your dream, is symbolic of letting go. You are releasing all those pent up emotions and negative feelings. The dream may also represent your goals and desires.
Hm. Interesting. Beaches, Ice & Waterfalls. I sense a theme.

& now after calming down....time to clean up room, do laundry and bill the fucking rat so i can get the hell out.

Happy Mommy's Day everyone.

 Me Mommy & i
Even though my mom will never read this...i hope she knows that i love her very much and one day i will make up for all the worrying i have caused, especially this year's Mothers Day when it should be a day about her...not worry about me. My mom is a simple woman. I think the majority of the time i am very frustrated with how simple she sees life because in this day and age, nothing is ever simple. At the same time some time i wish i can be that simple. Wish that life can be that simple, the world can be simple. She's not extraordinary when it comes to anything but her life goal is simply to take care of my brother and i, and our dad. Nothing more, nothing less. Our happiness and health is her main concern. I'm very thankful for that because i know that my mom would give up anything for us. Now with this happening, i know it pains her very very much and i am sorry for having to put her through all this. I can only hope she knows how much she means to me and us. I thought a small dedication was the least i can do for her today. (She's probably wondering what i am doing in my room as i type..). Love!

Also, i know i owe everyone an awesome Cuba-related post and i have yet to load my pics. That's still coming because i have still yet to steal all of K's and also i know that there's about 150 more pics and maybe 10 vids that she has yet to load. They are coming and once they're here l'll get a move on the entry and loading em on facebook.

Outs for now.

Edited Feelings

I just hour writing a long-ass entry. & i pretty much spilled every single sobbing feeling i had into it. Then i left it to go floss and wash my face. Came back and re-read the entry and realized how crazy that entry was. So to protect whatever that is left of my dignity- its saved away for now until i'm feeling really explosive crazy and don't care what anybody thinks..... even though i really shouldn't care in the first place.

In short.

1 week...

I replay that night like a broken record. 

Current Status:
Scared? Yes.
Sad? Quite.
Hopeless? Not as much. But still here.
Confused? Ahhh....Bit. Yes.
Confidence? Growing.
Miss You? Terribly.

Eyes burning.

Brand new day dawns upon me again... Things to do, goals to plan for, emotions to be buried.

Sleepy time.


Saturday, May 8, 2010

Art Show

Today my cousin accompanied me in going to the OCAD Art Show and we both were failed to be informed that it seemed to be the GRADUATE (master degree) design show instead of undergrads (the advertising/graphic design/packaging majors anyways)...which made things all the more depressing because you see all these awesome Thesis projects, a girl that has worked with corporate companies (i.e. Sobeys, la Vie en Rose, etc.) to do branding and some other pretty awesome stuff that i feel like i can never do. I guess it might have been my mood, the weather and the lack of food but it just made the future looked all the more gloomy when the cousin asked me what was my "ultimate" goal in 10-15 years. What did i want to retire as? I really didn't know how to answer her (& i told her that) because i don't even know what area i want to end up in. That's something i still have to figure out....which sucks.

Jumping back to the grad show.

  1. OCAD is apparently now calling themselves OCAD U(niversity) which i think is so damn lame because the word COLLEGE is still in their name but whatever. 
  2. From a GCM standpoint, these "Master" graduates does not have a single idea how to print things. Wow business cards were so poorly printed, low resolutions in huge 40" posters, terrible finishing and cutting, rough edges, bad choice of stock, bad readability- i disapproved almost 70% of the printed pieces that was displayed. 
  3. In my opinion- the York/Sheridan Design Show is better aka. the York/Sheridan Design Students are better at what they do. I recall at their last 2 Grad Shows, i was honestly swept away by the talent i saw and i also swept away MANY business cards (i only took about 5 or 6 for STOCK sample purposes from this show...not really for design inspiration) heh. What was really sad about THIS show was there was probably only about five Masters (not Undergrad like York/Sheridan) students that stood out from what i think is maybe a class of 80-100 or even more. The ones that were VERY GOOD, were VERY GOOD (lol)....the others kinda bored me....but that's just an opinion coming from someone who claims shes a designer but cannot draw a school bus.
The show lost our interest after checking out Industrial & Environmental Design. We half-assed the Drawing & Painting floor because i don't understand fine art and the cousin did not enjoy ANY of the pieces on display. I am clearly more blunt and to-the-point and all about visual appeal than being conceptual and profound. I rmb in highschool i dreaded doing Sketchbook ISUs and tried to scam my way out of it. Not b/c i was lazy but because i needed to hide the fact that i cannot draw....sighs. i am such a fraud. And then we didn't even bothered with Photography, integrated media, print making and sculptures. Yawn.

Thanks for going down with me today means a lot. I'm sorry about the absence of my usual energetic and cheerful self. 

# # #

Just came home with the family for an early mothers day dinner. I think my performance was passable. I think today was the first time i laughed in front of them when my dad started slurping his crab sadden that i worry them. Hopefully with today seeing me at least speaking a bit and snorting it would make them feel better.

Oh and the sudden snow is really shitty. brrrr.

# # #


Iron Man 2: The First Reality Check

I went to watch this movie with two of my most favorite guys in the world today and no doubt were they able to keep my mind off of things for a couple of hours. I thought it would have been very, very emotional for me but i was such a good girl and did not freak them out....not too much anyways. I guess prior to their arrival i did my freaking out stuff at home and a bit on the bus (when i wasnt napping). Watching this movie meant a lot to me because first, i didn't know who i was going to watch this with. Plans were made but obviously it would not happen. It was the first big reality check for me, the first thing that terrified me. Second was i didn't know how to face the guys. It hurt. I know this would hurt them alot. I didn't/still don't know how things are going to be from now on because it was so natural to be a group of 4....not one less. I was/am scared again. Luckily for me, they were great, supportive and assured me that no matter what happens....our friendships will never change. That made me feel a little better....less scared, less alone. A spark of hope again almost. Third and lastly, i love Iron man (wished i was those iron man cheerleaders...HA) and have looked forward to watching it on opening night for over a year. i HAD to watch it.

There were many moments during the movie where my mind would wander and...i wished so hard that you were next to me. What was originally intended, what should have been natural and longer there. Moments like those feels like a sudden spike has been stabbed into me. I would then force myself to refocus on whatever that's in front of me. I know that i am being oh-so dramatic but there are some things that just terrifies me to the core and the very thought of it is just unbearable. That said though, that's another thing i must learn to suppress in the next 2 days if i am to keep my promise to many that i won't be useless next week. It would upset many...

The movie was fantastic by the way. Love the action. Love the suits. Robert Downey Jr is seriously one hot man i'd do.

OCAD Grad Art Show tomorrow with cousin. My 2nd attempt at being normal again....

Good night. lets all hope for a dreamless night.

Friday, May 7, 2010


ok its gone. extinguished.

im back to feeling hopeless and scared. im sorry im so weak.

refer to previous blog post.


I went out almost every single evening this week because i could not stand the idea of me sitting at home staring at my computer screen and go on a rampage thinking-analyzing-diagnosing my current situation and risk driving myself to insanity thing- every night (i do enough of that during the day when the sun is out). Destiny's at Silverstar has instantly become almost my new home b/c it has the "least" emotional attachment. Also its nice and dark (so if i cry it wont embarrass the company i have with me) and its close enough for me to bus home at night if i need to (something else i must learn to adapt to...) even though that so far has never been the case because those whom i've gone with would have never allowed me to go home on my own.

Anyways tonight i went out with TJW. i dont know why but out of every GCM person that i could have called, she was the first i wanted to talk to. I felt like there was no one else that would understand how hard this is for me. It could be because she was there when it first started and as cliche and lame as it sounds, having her there as it all fell only made sense....also because i do genuinely feel the closest to her. Its not because i do not feel "close" to the other people in our clan, but i really was not comfortable with announcing it to anybody else and answering any probing questions....because i am not ready for that yet even though i am so sure that everyone has an idea of what is happening (those that come by here/are FB frequenters/tweeters/all the above). i love you guys...but now is not the time. i hope others can respect that.

The night had its downs when of course i had my crazy breakout moments (expected) but im quite glad to be able to say that for some reason....this was the first night in what feels like a decade-worth of nights where i actually felt a spark of..confidence. Like maybe i can this. I mean i KNOW that i can do it and i keep on saying that and being told that...but in all honestly i felt no confidence whatsoever. Its obviously not a whole shitload of confidence because knowing me, after a sleep that spark would probably die. Nonetheless though...i felt it for a bit during the evening with J, as we did our catching up on everything. I hope she knows how much i appreciate her driving out to see me on a work night when she doesn't really live that close and letting me be selfish for the first portion of the evening. It means a lot to me. i miss talking like that. We use to do a lot of that in first and second year. oh && thnx u for the treat.

i also...picked up my crap today and got around to showing my mom pictures of my trip in Cuba.

Hows that for attempting to not be useless?

My mornings are still the same though aka. shitty.

Guess that's it for now. Don't know where this sudden blogging-high came from.

Just like that, today is another day....

Thursday, May 6, 2010


K sent this to me to cheer me up and its honestly...the first thing ive laughed at in days.
The dad in the vid is SO funny.
我覺得這部影片(如果你還沒有見過)可以讓你笑.....開心一點. 假設如果你仍然是有來看我的blog.

thnx K.

To find Meaning

To see the beach in your dream, symbolizes the meeting between your two states of mind. The sand is symbolic of the rational and mental processes while the water signifies the irrational, unsteady, and emotional aspects of yourself. It is a place of transition between the physical/material and the spiritual.
To dream that you are on the beach and looking out toward the ocean, indicates unknown and major changes that are occurring in your life. Consider the state of the ocean, whether it is calm, pleasant, forbidding, etc.
To dream that you are looking toward the beach, suggests that you are returning to what is familiar to you. Alternatively, you may be adapting or accepting to the changes and circumstances in your life.

- since everything else has failed.


Thanks to those who's been the reason why i've survived the past few days.
The ones that's taking shifts to see if i'm okay. The ones that are putting up with my selfishness.
The ones that sends me daily tweets and txts to remind me they love me.
The ones that knows when to sugar coat things and the ones that puts me back into reality.
That small handful of know who you are.
Thank you.


Tuesday, May 4, 2010

One Down, Many to Go

i actually accomplished something today.

i successfully moved everything from my brothers room into my room. it was sitting there for almost 2 weeks and i started to really feel guilty even though he has not complained once.

but what would have been an hour and a half task turned into a 9 hour task because of all the breaks i had to take in order to hold myself together. i didn't think moving the stuff back would hurt that much.

i also didnt do a very good job in organizing anything because when i said i moved the stuff, i literally just moved it and either just shoved it somewhere, left it on the floor or my bed or my desk.

Nonetheless though i finished the "move" part and was not completely useless today.

Lets all pray...that tonight is another dreamless night unlike my terribly eventful sad dream i had during my nap today.

Good Nights.....I know that it was a tiring day and will be a longer one tmr...

Monday, May 3, 2010


to those that come by.

i am currently going through...what i believe  is the most devastating change of my life where the pain is the type  id rather you shoot me in the heart instead of having me feel the thousands of millions of stabs going at it as every second goes by. which basically means i am probably going to be boring. emotional. stupid. sad. hurt- all the un-fun stuff that people don't like to read. i guess this is pretty much just a warning and also an apology. I'm sorry. That's how i am, and how its going to be for a long while if you all decide to continue to stick around to read my bs.


side note.
i twin. for doing her best to distract me, to pretty me up, to take over my day so i wouldn't be alone. her heart and intentions are in the right place. But if all can feel how sun fu i felt behind all the effort i tried to put in making you all not worry. i don't want you all to feel like its wasted effort upon me because i really do love you all and appreciate it....but it really was too soon for me to step out in the world. im sorry.

i think today was the first day i truly felt what its like to hide your unhappiness in hope to make those around you un-worried. i finally understand how you feel....maybe not in whole but a snippet was enough to make me want to die. im sorry that i did not understand sooner...

今天早上,我醒了, 我真的希望這是一個夢 ...一個惡夢.
我躺在床上哭了很久,因為我很害怕,很迷惑- 因為我不知道我的未來日子就會像.


Maybe i should take advantage of the fact that my body is numb from exhaustion to get some sleep before i start losing it again. 4 hour of sleep can do wonders to your eating patterns i swear.

For the record- i survived day 1.

Good Night...

Sunday, May 2, 2010

one day at a time

im just numb now

Saturday, May 1, 2010


First Day. Untanned.
7 days, 12 mosquito bites, 300+ photos and a peeling tan-later

i come home to:

93 unread e-mails

  • - 200ish-tho Facebook Updates
  • - 300+ Unread Tweets
  • - Brand new Gossip Girl, Criminal minds and Law&OrderSVU episodes to catch up on
  • - Starbucks

A newly painted room

Will blog with more details about the trip!!!!


tweeet tweeet