I don't know who I am

Too many people spend money they haven't earned, to buy things they dont want, to impress people they dont like.

I found this quote on a xanga that i subscribe to, and normally its very hard for me to find quotes that are really meaningful but this one, touches me to the core. Every word relates to how I live my life. I think its a total waste , for me to have to act and conform myself to the norms of "being materialistically hott", or even to simply prove that I am better than others. I look at myself in the mirror and really wonder why must I do this when I am not financially well off as these "people", I am not at the same mentality as these people, different goals, different beliefs- why must I always think about what others will think. Why don't I love myself more?

I am lying, about a good 60% of the time if I say I'm doing it for myself. A good 40% of the time I would probably geniunely mean it but there's probably a good chance a part of me would be like...nah im gonna look good to show off to others.

In my life now, there are two and a half reasons why I ...

• dress up like a bird to go out
• shop for new things
• put on a gazillion eye products before i leave the house
• go on a diet.

The first one being I want to look good, so my boyfriend won't leave me. Silly, but very serious. I have to really make it clear though, that there is never a moment in our 16 months (and counting) relationship that he has ever, EVER made a negetive comment about my appearance. Rather its quite the opposite, where he reassures me that he loves me for who I am and I will always be beautiful to him (sorry for the gag factor). So you would think that because I have such a great, non-judgemental boyfriend that I would really not be so concerned with my appearance. I think because of my lack of confidence in myself, I'm afraid that some pretty girl with an equal of a great personality is going to come by and steal him away from me. So its not that I don't trust him, I don't trust other girls AND I feel like he can do better sometimes.

&& I am always concerned about what his friends would think of me, when they meet me for the first time. Will they think, "oh why is A with such a fat/ugly girl?", or something along the lines of that. I'm being SO gay and if he ever reads this he would probably think i am SO immature and stupid, but its very true- this is how i feel and think sadly.

Second reason would be, so I can look better than some people. It's quite pathetic if you think about it, but I dress like its a show, the audience being the people that I want to show off too. I want it to be a big smack to their face, and show them that I can look better. Simple, bitter and gay like that.

The half of a reason is because it makes me feel good when I dress up....which I guess is the adrenaline (spelling?!?) booster for me.

So those are my reasons. Its quite terrible. But I do it, I do it for people who are undeserving and I do it for stupid reasons. So at the end of the day, i don't even know am i superficial and fake, or am I just a silly goose that needs some serious therapy.