i miss blogging

 鐘意一個不應該鐘意的人是最大的笑話 ha ha ha. 

Going to find a day to blog. I miss it. And I'm sure you people miss me. 

 I hope. 

Losing to life

Greetings everyone (to who comes around stillllllllll). I am back with somewhat of an update.

SURPRISE TO ALL YOU MONDAY MORNING PEOPLE.

My last blog was almost a month ago and ive been told by SO many people to do something about it (im so sorry! lol). To whom i speak to and are close with, they all knew that i was seriously losing it. Everything was just not okay. I was unhappy. I was frustrated. Job searching and interviews hit a halt. I got sick. I couldn't let go of certain things. Arsenal was doing poorly. I reached the end of my savings. Everything was so bleak and i felt like i just couldn't win. I was losing to life and I was losing badly. Defeat caught up with me and was killing me. I tell myself everyday that "it shall pass" and i just need to keep on going but it got increasingly difficult.


Then just like that. BOOM. Everything comes together in ONE WEEK.

In one week, two things.

First,

1.5 years of FT unemployment. Roughly 75 applications (give or take two)- i am bloody finally fucking employed. Fuck. It was literally one thing after another. E-mailed application > Interview (Design challenge, 4 people interview) > 2 hours later when i was STILL on the bus, call back for ref check > ref check, design challenge #2, Phone interview > Offer emailed to me at 5pm, Friday.

BOOM BITCHES. That's for all of you who would kill to see me fall.

I work my ass off, applying, constantly coming up with new, creative things to add to cover letters, infographs, etc. I did this without the help of anyone and I am proud as hell with myself and i am NOT afraid to be vain and admit that.

That said, to all my girls? This Christmas is going to be awesome. JUST SAYING.

Second, 

I still, might, perhaps, maybe, not know exactly what i want. But ive never been more sure of what i DON'T want. Consider it another lesson learned for me. Today's Shiv's Bridal Shower confirmed with me even more, of what is it that i do want. At the end of the day, i am STILL okay with being single. Until i find my Azza (footy player) of course.

# # #

i'm turning a quarter of a century in a week and a half.....ish. And i have NOT felt better than this in a VERY long time. Except perhaps my weight. (Definitely fatty mode again). But im not going to complain because this is SO much better than I asked for.

oh. and Arsenal is starting to look hopeful again.

THANKKKK YOUUUUU JEEEEBUS. 

exhausted

Not too sure if i even recognize myself anymore.

#dontwanttolosetolife

#continuestolosetolife

I LOVE HAPPY ENDINGS *SOBS*

Dream proposal.

I HAD to make a blog post out of this because this will essentially be my future fiancee's "HOW-TO-PROPOSE" to me visual guide. Remember, its all about being CREATIVE future mister. Also a reminder to myself that i deserve that, fairytale ending and i shouldn't settle for less.

eerily accurate

Note: This dream was EXTREMELY sci-fi and weird.

This 3rd dimension (perhaps aliens) were abducting dolphins and turning them into helium balloons as they are being teleport up into the skies.

To see a dolphin in your dream, symbolizes spiritual guidance, intellect, mental attributes and emotional trust. The dream is usually an inspirational one, encouraging you to utilize your mind to its capacity and move upward in life.

To see balloons in your dream, indicate declining hopes and disappointments in your search for love. A situation in your life will take a turn downward.

To see an ascending balloon in your dream, signifies frustrating conditions in your life in which you are seeking to rise above. You are expressing a desire to escape.

Aside from the freaky dolphin teleporting thing, there were also extremely pretty stars/constellations and fireworks in the sky.

To see stars in your dream, symbolize excellence, success, aspirations or high ideals. You are putting some decision in the hands of fate and luck. Perhaps you are being too "starry-eyed" or idealistic.

To see fireworks in your dream, symbolizes enthusiasm, creativity, and talent. It may also indicate that you are showing off and making a spectacle of yourself. Alternatively, fireworks represents release of some pent up or repressed feelings


So while all this was happening, i was trying SO hard to take a picture of all this but its either im unable to snap it or it comes out blurry.

To dream that you are taking a picture, suggests that you need to focus more attention to some situation or relationship. Perhaps, you feel that you need to recapture some past moments in a relationship. Alternatively, taking a picture refers to your desires to hold onto a certain moment in your life.

To see a blurry picture in your dream, suggests that your memory of the depicted event, incident, or people, is fading. Perhaps you need to let go of the past and stop holding on to what was and concentrate on what is. On the other hand, you are attempting to disguise a situation and refusing to see it as it really is. You need to learn acceptance.

Insanely accurate. I hate my subconcious sometimes.

Losing to life

You tell em Chucky.

一切都是天意, 是命運. 誰也逃不離. 終究已註定.

Slumber Coma

Since i've came back from San Diego, i have been completely out of routine. I've been doing nothing, in terms of my freelance plus job hunting situation (except for maybe that one night where I did my all-nighter for this infographic that I wanted to send in to one particular company). I haven't been to the gym since as well (except on Saturday, which felt great because my body feels like its been run over by a bus!) and i feel like shit even more because of that. On top of that, i've been sleeping A LOT. I mean taking these two and a half hours naps during the day. I would be chatting and then I would be gone because ive fallen asleep on my oh-so-comfy bed behind me. What's even worst is this slumber coma that i fell into yesterday. Pretty much i slept ALL DAY yesterday. Partially because of this nagging painful headache that did not go away since Saturday afternoon, partially my upper body was sore from the gym (whenever bod is sore = me wanna sleep) and then, just because i felt like sleeping even though i SHOULD be doing a bit of freelance work. Um, i took a 4 hour nap before dinner. Ate dinner, ate cake for dessert on the couch but started to fall asleep!!! I then just gave up and went to bed at 7pm. Ridiculous no? I woke at 1115 and decided that i should just sleep through the night and wake up at 530am. Mainly because i fear i might turn into a vegetable if i let myself sleep until 10am- which im sure i would have been able to do.

I've been fairly productive when it comes to seeing people and going out though! That said- I MISS MY COUSIN. Its official. I don't remember what her face looks like no more and it makes me saddddd. So so sadddddd. Big sad face. I hopes to see her soon before our annual camping trip next week??? Pweleaseee??


I guess its good that im up right now and blogging (yesh! its only 7am). But i'm really losing focus. Its extremely difficult to stay positive when you've been in this limbo of a stage for almost two years now (its been TWO summers). Its not really like i haven't gotten any responses either because at least it shows that i'm doing something right. I must really be the talks when people gossip about who's doing what after graduation and me, K, been completely useless. Unemployed for this long, not really going anywhere with life amongst other things. Out of all people, i am seriously the last fucking person to be in this type of situation and here i am. All this bad luck- i'm convinced one of you wankers cursed me.

Especially lately, I've told myself, those are just vain words, from an empty mind. (I say mind because of one specific person). But ive always been that person that really gives a shit about what others think. I cannot, help but let that ruin me. But seriously, this person's two-faced-ness makes me bloody sick. I mean, if you are going to be two-faced, at least make one of them pretty, bitch. Ugh. 

And of course, right when I act spontaneously (i do that a lot)- my dreams (the ones i get at night, not the froo froo ones) brings me back to a broken reality and tells me, its not going to happen. Bummer, really. I think its this loss of focus that's causing me to lose that control i had over how i feel.

Or it might even be that- the cause of my slumber coma. mEEEH. we shall see this week.

GOOD MORNINGGGGG.

Discovery

Tis all.

Wronged Goodbyes // season 5 GG finale

!@#$#@% SOBSS. STABS TO THE HEART. SOBSSSSSS.
DIEDDDDDD.

goddamit if i cant have my happy ending, why cant you people let chuck and blair have theirsssssssssssssssss. SOBSSSSS. LIFE IS SOOOO UNFAIRRR. WAHHHH.

Gamer

Reflection

人生真是好奇怪.
本來前一天應該是四年, 不過一年後, 一切都變了, 好像一個夢.
雖然各有自己的生活, 有時候我真的很想知道你是不是真是gum容易忘記一切？
可能是我的問題lor. 我太固執. 不過有時候我真的很想念"我們".
我以為個一日一定會好痛, 好難受. [我其實好奇你記不記得] 不過竟然不是這樣的.
個一晚我逼自己哭, 逼得很辛苦. 最後我道是哭不到.
是不是因為我終於明白, 為什麼我們要分手? 或者是我終於接受你是今本不再愛我. or both.
或者gum, 個心好淡, 太痛, 哭不到.


無論deem, 一個非常gee難的年後- i survived. i'm still breathing.

That to me is an accomplishment.

###

I met up with S a few weeks back and did our usual quad-monthly catching up. To this day it still shocks me how much he still understands me after so much, so long (given that i don't really know whats going on in HIS mind but its really not any of my business. He has his boss woman to do that). Maybe it's because after all this time i am STILL that effing predictable. One thing he did point out was that he felt like i was a stronger person when i asked him did he think i am a bigger bitch now than when he first met me. I'm surprised he didn't think so because i feel like i am. I find it interesting when I ask people their opinions on me now versus how I was before. Most of the answers are pretty common. The majority thinks im stronger, more confident and articulate - but not a bitch. Which i find funny. Because i think of myself as one. I supposed it can be worst.

Nobody wants to be a bitch right.

Unless i'm a fighter bitch. Than i'm cools with that because fighter bitches dont get hurt. Physically or emotionally.

NTS

BBM, Txts, FB Wall Posts, etc.

I was shooting a scene in my new film, No Strings Attached, in which I say to Natalie Portman,

“If you miss me, you can’t text, you can’t email, you can’t post it on my Facebook wall. If you really miss me, you come and see me.”

I began to think of all of the billions of intimate exchanges sent daily via fingers and screens, bouncing between satellites and servers. With all this texting, emailing, and social networking, I started wondering, are we all becoming so in touch with one another that we are in danger of losing touch?

It used to be that boy met girl and they exchanged phone numbers. Anticipation built. They imagined the entire relationship before a call ever happened. The phone rang. Hearts pounded. “Hello?” Followed by a conversation that lasted two hours, but felt like two minutes and would be examined with friends for two weeks. If all went well, a date was arranged. That was then.

Now we exchange numbers, but text instead of call because it mitigates the risks of early failure and eliminates those deafening moments of silence. Now anticipation builds. Bdoop. “It was NICE meeting u.” Both sides overanalyze every word. We talk to a friend, an impromptu Cyrano: “He wrote nice in all caps. What does that mean? What do I write back?” Then we write a response and delete it 10 times before sending a message that will appear to care, but not too much. If all goes well, a date will be arranged.

Whether you like it or not, the digital age has produced a new format for modern romance, and natural selection may be favoring the quick-thumbed quip peddler over the confident, ice-breaking alpha male. Or maybe we are hiding behind the cloak of digital text and spell-check to present superior versions of ourselves while using these less intimate forms of communication to accelerate the courting process. So what’s it really good for?

There is some argument about who actually invented text messaging, but I think it’s safe to say it was a man. Multiple studies have shown that the average man uses about half as many words per day as women, thus text messaging. It eliminates hellos and goodbyes and cuts right to the chase. Now, if that’s not male behavior, I don’t know what is. It’s also great for passing notes. There is something fun about sharing secrets with your date while in the company of others. Think of texting as a modern whisper in your lover’s car.

Sending sweet nothings on Twitter or Facebook is also fun. In some ways, it’s no different than sending flowers to the office: you are declaring your love for everyone to see. Who doesn’t like to be publicly adored? Just remember that what you post is out there and there’s some stuff you can’t un-see. But the reality is that we communicate with every part of our being, and there are times when we must use it all. When someone needs us, he or she needs all of us. There’s no text that can replace a loving touch when someone we love is hurting.

We haven’t lost romance in the digital age, but we may be neglecting it. In doing so, antiquated art forms are taking on new importance. The power of a hand-written letter is greater than ever. It’s personal, deliberate, and means more than an email or text ever will. It has a unique scent. It requires deciphering. But, most importantly, it’s flawed. There are errors in handwriting, punctuation, grammar, and spelling that show our vulnerability. And vulnerability is the essence of romance. It’s the art of being uncalculated, the willingness to look foolish, the courage to say,

“This is me, and I’m interested in you enough to show you my flaws with the hope that you may embrace me for all that I am but, more importantly, all that I am not.”

— Ashton Kutcher

###

Seriously, even though i am the biggest social media whore and the biggest crackberry. Nothing counts more than hearing that voice you miss during the day when you don't see them.

Unfortunately that's just too hard for some people.

If you can't even provide the basics, there's no point. I am not willing to sacrifice the basics.

Reminiscing the Past

This post has a lot of reference to a lot of past relationships so for those who has followed me/known me for a long time will DEFINITELY get a kick out of reading this. 

A couple posts back, i shared a quote- They say everything happens for a reason, but what they don't tell you is that you may never know what that reason is.

I kind of take that back because i actually do believe that things do happen for a reason, it would be revealed in the future through actions. Things happen for the better.

The other day i went out and chilled with S, something i haven't done in a very, very long time. Most people don't understand how I can stay friends with an ex. It was a bit more complicated with him (because of his unfaithfulness that was the downfall of our relationship) which raises many eyebrows to why we are still able to remain great friends. No idea but we are. I can honestly say he is still one of the few people that knows me best even though we do not talk all that much. Things are not awkward nor are they weird. I talk about my relationship issues openly, he not so much (haha) but that's understandable.I find him to be a better friend than a boyfriend/partner. So that day we ended up going clothes shopping because he asked for a little help in that area. He doesn't know this but i have always wanted to go clothes shopping with him since/while we were dating but we never got a chance to until the other day. It was quite fun (for i do love shopping very much) because he didn't really have a budget so I was able to kind of play dress-up with him. I hope his girlfriend likes the shit i picked out haha. Awkward......

ANYHOOOOO

Its weird how things work out because the things i have ALWAYS wanted to do with someone while we were "together" as a couple always happens AFTER when we are only friends. I think its pretty ironic that it works out that way. When it does happen i only smile and think "Hey, life isnt all that bad after all. THIS eventually did happen. Better late than never." At least i could make peace with that inner "what if" question. The reasons are ALWAYS revealed in one form or another.

I mean its not just this one incident but a few times before too.

A good example of another time was when i was able to spend Vday with 6453 AFTER i made peace with "us" not being able to be together. It was seriously like a dream come true but the feelings i had were very different. It was very bittersweet but peaceful at the same time. I dont talk to 6453 anymore but during the period that i did, i also did find him to be a better "friend" (that i can never have haha) than what we had when we were checking. He was bad for me. An addicting drug is how I like to describe it now. People knew that, saw it. He definitely is better to be left in the past.

When those things happen, it makes me rethink the occurrence of certain events and as hard as they were, im glad that it happened for the better future.If all those did not happen, i would never have become the person i am today. I would probably be less bitter. haha but definitely not the person l'll be right now.

I guess the purpose of me blogging about this, is a validation to myself that when things happen for a reason, though it may be painful, tough and confusing- that reason WILL eventually be clear.

I don't expect people to understand.

MOVING ON.


BIG DAY TMR. ITS DO OR DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Please. PLEASE. prayyyyy and send your messages/txts/pins/emails of love/prayers/gLucks lollllll

我太高估我自己

我覺得我退jor10步.
原來我是gum容易忘記到. Fannntastic...!

Refocus. I need to go jab something. Big time.

If Only

ive ranted about this before. 

Sometimes my mom goes on these verbal rampages where she would pretty much count everything that is wrong with me or retell every single unsuccessful relationship ive had and why they were all my fault.

Almost all the time, she said its due to the fact that i am "stubborn" and "too independent" to a point where i refuse to let the guy take care of me.

Ha.

If only she knew the truth.

I'm sorry mom, i am not going to change myself to become one of those girls that goes into meaningless relationships, STAYS in meaningless relationships because they're too afraid to be alone. Nor do i want to be a freeloader or anything remotely like that. I will not start acting "conservative", stop being blunt, or will i stop being outgoing. Even if it means being alone.  

Meanwhile i can only hold back those tears as she goes on about why i can never find someone who will love me because guys just don't want to marry girls like me.

Very heart breaking actually, knowing your mom pitys you too.

不想回頭看, 痛苦只有自己.

They say everything happens for a reason, but what they don't tell you is that you may never know what that reason is.

沒有人會同情,可憐你

ups and mostly downs

its easier to see people in their worst light than to believe and know whats their true light.
its easier to be angry, resentful and bitter than to be hopeful and optimistic.

it makes living life easier this way, at least for me.
i can move pass a lot of things, much quicker by choosing to believe certain things and disregarding the rest.

even though my intuition is almost always correct.