exhausted

Not too sure if i even recognize myself anymore.

fffound

Tribute in Light

A team of 30 electricians worked through the night yesterday to prepare for the 10th anniversary of the World Trade Center attacks which takes place on Sunday. The ‘Tribute in Light’ is made up of 88 bulbs which project two blue beacons of light up into the heavens that is visible from a 60 mile radius. The tribute will be powered on for the entire day and night on Sunday to remember the people who died on September 11, 2001.

“From Ashes, We Build.” - 9/11 Tribute Painting by Sam Spratt

I wanted to pay tribute to September 11th in painted form showing the new construction of One World Trade Center, not just replacing the twin towers—but literally being built from the wreckage. 10 years later, I felt it necessary to acknowledge the importance of past tragedy in the pursuit of a better future: to remember lives lost while looking to save more, to remember fallen icons as we build new ones, and to remember our mistakes as we pursue perfection.

Rest In Peace to all of the victims directly or indirectly killed by the attacks and my heartfelt sympathies to those who lost loved ones through them.

Never forget.

Two of the best 9/11-related pieces i found. The art and creativity behind it is undoubtedly beautiful.

The truth hurts

Dear America,
Your 9/11 is our 24/7.
- Palestine

ouch. very true though. with all due respect.

9/11 - A decade mark

Ten Years Later: A Tribute 9/11
Bryant Park.

2,819 empty chairs on the lawn facing the site where the World Trade Center once stood, one chair for every life lost. The number of empty chairs captures the enormity of the lives lost and the stark emptiness of it just drives home the point that I hope is never forgotten. 2,819 people were here one moment and gone the next. 2,819 went to work or boarded a plane one morning ten years ago thinking it would be another ordinary day and they never came home.

86,400 seconds

I'm suppose to be asleep for i have to wake up early (again) to continue with my work. I kind of feel like im working for the Rat again (not the being abused part, but the working every moment of my day part and being on-call/standby mode part). That said, i'm unable to sleep because im suddenly in a blogging mood.

Today I found out that this girl i know (she's made cakes for many of my friends and myself) had passed away. It was very sudden and it turns out she's been sick for a very long time and from what I know, she's been fighting for her life for the past 2 weeks. To add onto that, she leaves behind not only her family, friends, coworkers, etc. She leaves behind her newly-wed husband, From what I was told, he asked her to marry him because they knew she didn't have much time left. That's probably the second most tragic thing i've heard recently. It gets me thinking- what if i was this unfortunate, what a huge regret it would be to never be able to have my fairytale come true. Its tragically sad but at the same time she's lucky, to have met someone who would do that for her. To have her dream fulfilled so she can at least go with one less regret.

RIP C.H. May you carry those cherished, happy moments with you as you moved on.

I want to rant on more about some other stuff but i'm honestly too exhausted to do so. Perhaps l'll do it when i have a bit more "free" time.

Cherish life. Every minute, every second. And those around you.

“Every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around.”

Losing to life

You tell em Chucky.

一切都是天意, 是命運. 誰也逃不離. 終究已註定.

GG

玩完

BBM, Txts, FB Wall Posts, etc.

I was shooting a scene in my new film, No Strings Attached, in which I say to Natalie Portman,

“If you miss me, you can’t text, you can’t email, you can’t post it on my Facebook wall. If you really miss me, you come and see me.”

I began to think of all of the billions of intimate exchanges sent daily via fingers and screens, bouncing between satellites and servers. With all this texting, emailing, and social networking, I started wondering, are we all becoming so in touch with one another that we are in danger of losing touch?

It used to be that boy met girl and they exchanged phone numbers. Anticipation built. They imagined the entire relationship before a call ever happened. The phone rang. Hearts pounded. “Hello?” Followed by a conversation that lasted two hours, but felt like two minutes and would be examined with friends for two weeks. If all went well, a date was arranged. That was then.

Now we exchange numbers, but text instead of call because it mitigates the risks of early failure and eliminates those deafening moments of silence. Now anticipation builds. Bdoop. “It was NICE meeting u.” Both sides overanalyze every word. We talk to a friend, an impromptu Cyrano: “He wrote nice in all caps. What does that mean? What do I write back?” Then we write a response and delete it 10 times before sending a message that will appear to care, but not too much. If all goes well, a date will be arranged.

Whether you like it or not, the digital age has produced a new format for modern romance, and natural selection may be favoring the quick-thumbed quip peddler over the confident, ice-breaking alpha male. Or maybe we are hiding behind the cloak of digital text and spell-check to present superior versions of ourselves while using these less intimate forms of communication to accelerate the courting process. So what’s it really good for?

There is some argument about who actually invented text messaging, but I think it’s safe to say it was a man. Multiple studies have shown that the average man uses about half as many words per day as women, thus text messaging. It eliminates hellos and goodbyes and cuts right to the chase. Now, if that’s not male behavior, I don’t know what is. It’s also great for passing notes. There is something fun about sharing secrets with your date while in the company of others. Think of texting as a modern whisper in your lover’s car.

Sending sweet nothings on Twitter or Facebook is also fun. In some ways, it’s no different than sending flowers to the office: you are declaring your love for everyone to see. Who doesn’t like to be publicly adored? Just remember that what you post is out there and there’s some stuff you can’t un-see. But the reality is that we communicate with every part of our being, and there are times when we must use it all. When someone needs us, he or she needs all of us. There’s no text that can replace a loving touch when someone we love is hurting.

We haven’t lost romance in the digital age, but we may be neglecting it. In doing so, antiquated art forms are taking on new importance. The power of a hand-written letter is greater than ever. It’s personal, deliberate, and means more than an email or text ever will. It has a unique scent. It requires deciphering. But, most importantly, it’s flawed. There are errors in handwriting, punctuation, grammar, and spelling that show our vulnerability. And vulnerability is the essence of romance. It’s the art of being uncalculated, the willingness to look foolish, the courage to say,

“This is me, and I’m interested in you enough to show you my flaws with the hope that you may embrace me for all that I am but, more importantly, all that I am not.”

— Ashton Kutcher

###

Seriously, even though i am the biggest social media whore and the biggest crackberry. Nothing counts more than hearing that voice you miss during the day when you don't see them.

Unfortunately that's just too hard for some people.

If you can't even provide the basics, there's no point. I am not willing to sacrifice the basics.

Its always me, isn't it. The screwed up one.

Just lovely

Lil Miss Psycho Biatch

I wont try to be that "perfect girlfriend."

I’m a confusing girl. I’ll annoy you, do stupid shit, get mad about the smallest things you do or don’t do, get sad about the times when you don’t talk to me, make a big deal about the things you say, occasionally be a bitch cause i’ve been fucked in the past, get jealous when you talk to other girls, and hate you for the way you make me feel at times.

Yeah, this is me.

i need to stop being so psycho

That terrifying moment when you realize you're starting to get attached to someone.

MWDC TONIGHT. woot.

Not Caring

I find myself being able to walk away from a certain situation tonight with so much confidence and A LOT of game - because i don't allow myself to care.

I know how the game works. i am effing proud of myself.

Now if i can only do the same with this other situation. I have no idea how this game is going to be, how serious and how long but from the looks of it i do not have the upper advantage which scares me shitless.

Simply because i think i'm starting to care. i don't know if im ready for this game.

Fuck-erys.

###

I should sleep.

Gotta start the day early, perhaps SB, head to the gym, get nails done for NYE and go see A!

Severe case of Holiday Blues

I tried really hard to change how this Christmas was going to be like this year. Everything i can do to not be alone, to create new traditions, to not allow myself to be pitiful and feel sorry for myself. I seriously, honest to god felt the way my Christmas Eve was spent - things might actually not be so bad and god probably might even be good to me.

Things dramatically went downhill from there. The root and cause of the problem being things at home. The favoritism of my brother has never been more evident - no matter how successful I am, my brother is entitled to the same luxuries without working for it. I feel like I am growing further apart from my mother because of her stubborn, restrained and old-fashion mind. The plus side is I feel like sometimes now that the older my father gets, the more he understands things.......when he isn't angry that is.

Everything just fell apart.

The perfect Christmas that i was suppose to have, expected to have - Gone. Stolen. Taken away from me.

The new Christmas that i wished to have now also non-existing with the exception of the great couple of hours escape i had over at K's last night. It was a great few hours i got to spend in company of good people. Her family are kind people to let me join. I appreciate and am forever grateful for that. They have no idea.

Then this morning those broken parts of this holiday just continued to crumble into dust. I got into the largest fight with the mother I have EVER gotten into in the existence of my life. It was brutal. Beliefs were brought up, harsh words were exchanged and it was obvious she was not gonna back down and knowing me when i am pissed, my attitude and face exhibits the words - Bring. It. On.

Yes, to my own mother. It was the worst, sickening and hurtful feeling.

I know that all of my friends are busy with boxing day and holiday festivities and the one thing i hate is to hassle them with my problems. I refuse to have friends change their plans for me. I refuse to have people go out of their way to see me. People that cares about me has done SO much for me this year without me asking for anything. You do not pay back good grace with selfishness. You do not treat people like that (something that I was trying to make my mother understand during our fight) and I especially am not going to repay back my friends by dragging them out of what they originally plan simply because i am sad.

I HAD to get out of the house even though I still have a fever and a crazy beast-like cough. Which was why i took refuge to the one place (as STUPID as it sounds) i know l always feel safe and warm at - Starbucks. After drugging myself up with cough meds and sinus drugs I ran all the way to the Yonge and Eglinton Starbucks because i also remembered my 2nd haven was there (being my used bookstore) aka My peaceful sanctuary.

So far its been a good choice to come. I find books to be very comforting (as NERDY as that sounds), the people working are always pleasant, i found 3 books, it was worth the trip. As for Starbucks, i know the workers were going to be good to me (been to this location a couple of times before and never been given grief), the guy at the bar even got me to laugh for a bit - more than i can ask for today. Sad how a coffee shop can give me that type of security. Might be the meaning behind it. Which would be even more sad.

That said comes down to me being here alone, typing up this vent with tears streaming down my face.

I hope they don't think im suicidal. Don't think SB is insured for that kind of stuff.

I'm alright. I'll get through this. Because hey, when do i ever not cry? : )

Bye.

Foul Mood

Maybe i really should have went up to Blue w/ J. At least i know there he would keep my happy mood up.

That is after K's Christmas Fest which she so graciously invited me to join.

Otherwise this has not been a good morning at all.

Talk about a sudden change of mood after last night.

Shit.

Merry fucking Christmas.

My Gift to you all- Merry Christmas

Oh its been a while boys and girls. A while since ive actually really sat down and really wanted to "blog". There has been so many blog-worthy topics and moments over the past weeks but my laziness has gotten the better of me and since this Wednesday, the cold-bug has gotten the best of me. I still feel like poo but thank god for this thing called Tylenol Sinus and Cold, i am able to function.

Today is Christmas Eve as we all know. I officially started typing this around 10pm. I hope by midnight i would have this completed with something juicy and entertaining for you to read as a Christmas gift from me to you. Please do forgive me for the terrible grammer and lack of cohesion because i am still pretty drugged & stuffed up.

Lets back-track shall we?

I promised people a MIAMI post. HAHA oh dear i am so sorry. But i find it kind of pointless to blog the details of the trip when those i actually care about and DO talk to- already know the details of it and i dont want to be redundant. That said though l'm still going to talk about it briefly in an overview sense rather than- what we did on what day and what we ate on what time.

As everyone know, i went to South Beach Miami with one of my best girls C, as a mini getaway for an extended long weekend. We stayed at a beautiful hotel that was literally minutes away from the ocean and another few minutes away from this popular shopping/entertainment/restaurant strip call Lincoln Shopping Strip. Both of us has gone through what we felt like life has done us wrong again (relationship and career-wise). For many evenings prior to our trip it was literally like deja vu where she would be smoking outside on my driveway and we both would just pour our hearts out to each other - just like almost 6 years ago. Where life again played us as fools. Anyways being doomed together, we thought "Hey why not take our doom-ness to somewhere HAWT". Hence the idea was form and we were on a plane to Florida! It was ironic (but not shocking) that we felt many of the same emotions as we left Toronto together on a plane and many scenic things reminded us of certain things. Our trip consisted of us exploring, eating, drinking, shopping, tanning, partying, counting how many pairs of homosexual men that we saw in the remaining duration of our trip.

FYI Kids- South Beach is not a place to get laid. Unless your a guy.

Seriously! Nothing against gays but there was WAY too many that it was a BIT overwhelming. Perhaps it was an underground festival that we did not know about? WHO KNOWS. Maybe boys should tell me that would you ever go shopping/strolling with your bff down a popular tourist strip? I really want to know. Over 80 "suspected" homosexual couples counted within one meal is A LOT if you ask me. 

Another observation- the men that parties there are GENTLEMEN.

They are far from the usual douchey, pushy, obnoxious BOYS in Toronto. I was fairly impressed by the two groups of men that asked us to join their party at this club call Mansion (highly recommended if you are into Hiphop, top40 and oldschool socca....at the end of the night. obvs.) and their mannerism. Sure they aren't lookers and were a bit older than we were but their politeness was what won me over! Thank you Montreal Guy from Room 1 and Black Guy from Room 2! lol

The trip was far, far too short. The weather was amazing. Being able to dine outside in a maxi dress in the middle of December is really something. One thing i did during the trip though was really thought things over. I can go on hating life and fate but i can also take it as a lesson or just another punch thrown at me and stand right back up. I completely admit when we were flying back i felt incrediably sad. I looked out and it was gloomy like that very day, around the same time too and i recalled how happy i was because after a great vacation i was coming home to something. Not this time- i was coming home to nothing ("metaphorically", not "literally") and it was a sharp stab. That said i completely snapped out of it because there's absolutely nothing to be sad about (except from maybe my Job and Weight issue haha). I understand now.

 ive come to understand that there is no suffering if you do neither.
why would anyone want to forget the good times and let time dance by you as you do that? That to me is suppressing, not accepting. It's one choice to choose to suffer. It's also one's choice to put an end to it.

For those interested: I don't feel remotely awkwardness blogging about how i feel even though I know that he comes by here sometimes to read up on what random stuff i have to share. I consider this a growing process and what Junior calls- a mature confession. I'm not asking for ANYONE to hold my hand or AW at me when i talk about this. Blogging has always been my outlet and i do feel much better each time i type it all out. I also think this is why after so many years, people still come by and read my blog. Its because i'm real and i blog about what's real. I don't hide what i feel, if i slip - i admit that i slip. if im on the floor sobbing, i will admit it too. I can go on forever on this topic but l'll leave it here because theres soooooo much more i want to blog about lol

I DIGRESS.

During the trip I confessed many things to her and i feel like we understand each other a lot more. One thing is for sure though- i now stand by even more and have faith that one day things will work out for you C. You are strong, a fighter and again this is just one of those blowouts that will turn into an eventual win for you. A win that will be for life. Greater things have yet to come for you. Love you lots!

Totally random kids, but for my girl readers.
You guys know that i'm not big on purses and bags right? I'm all about vintage purses and hobo bags. But after seeing these two pictures.

Wow. Pure class. 

I totally want a chanel bag now. Especially the BLUE one. Holymoly. I wonder if its real? Can anyone confirm for me? Anyhoo that's just a thought.

Let's see what else is up. Oh yes- the other day i went engagement ring shopping with someone (for the nature and secrecy of the proposal....i cannot disclose how close i am to this person because it would be busted if the girlfriend EVER comes by my blog) and it was SO educational. Who knew diamonds can be SO complex? Okay bad question, it is complex. Its not like buying romaine lettuce (okay maybe it is. LOL INSIDE JK ONLY jay siu & K understands).....where u can just CHOOSE something. So here i was walking around claiming to be his xxxxxx (again, cannot reveal the nature. might compromise the secrecy) and im asked to try on the rings for him. Man, i hate engagement rings. For someone like me that is so into weddings i absolutely HATE them. I feel like they are unnecessary and as ive expressed my opinion many times before, i think my future husband should just effing skip the engagement ring and buy me a really beautiful diamond crested thick thick wedding band. Then spend the duration of the money on photography. hahaha just saying. We made our rounds around Yorkdale and it was SO brutal and draining. All that sparkle totally blinded me. I was glad to finally had my delicious Caesar, YARD of beer (fuckery i think i have a small liking for beer now) and Poutineeeeee at Honest Lawyers with xxxxx (no need to explain right?) joining us shortly. Overall it was a great day - im whole-heartedly honoured to be the one you chose to ask to go ring shopping. I really can't wait for the wedding. I think it would be very heart-wrenching.

But wow. It is almost midnight, this entry really did almost take two hours to write. Back to present day being Christmas Eve. I really thought today was going to be depressing. This year (aside from being brutally sick for the past couple of days!!!! omgosh) i opted out to go to ANY family outtings. To those that talk to me on a regular basis would know why so i don't want to repeat. That said things were done traditionally....for a very long time. Suddenly i have no idea what to do since the tradition is no longer in place. That said i am forever grateful for my day today. I was actually.....not sad. lol I've actually been...pretty happy lately. Thank you.

So here I am now, all snugged up in my germ-infested bed, my Forever Nuts (nom nom nom) tea with a gigantic dash of honey and a pill im ready to take to knock myself out - but not before i make my rounds of Merry Christmas via text/bbm/fb.

One thing i must say though before i end this- holy shit i AM giving a fuck. Taking it one day at a time.

No such thing as getting burned again yo. Not for me....

WoooOOO dont you guys love open-ended, metaphorical ramblings from me?!??

Tis officially 12:00am people.

Merry Christmas everyone!!!!!!!!!

Stay beautiful. Thanks for staying with me. Hope you all enjoyed the glamorous, belated post! Expected a similiarly long/longer post to close the New Years (ive even started writing a bit of it!).

Be excited!!!!

My drugs are next to me. After seeing C its K/O for me!

outs.

Re-Evaluation

Precisely why i need this Miami trip more than ever with someone who is probably the only person in the world at the moment that understands.

Miami Beach, Florida December 9-12!

Awakening...Dream?

In my dream you held my hand again and everything was how it was but you asked me,

Would you have accepted all the choices i have made and will make? 

I didn't have an answer. I just wanted to prolong that moment as long as i can. Then the reality of it all being a dream hit me and i said,

This is all a dream isn't it. 

You nodded. And i sobbed until it actually woke me up with tears running down my face.

I feel sad. But not because we are no longer together (as i have felt for so many, many months and that occasional slip that i get over). I feel sad because i think my answer would have been no.....or a very uncertain maybe. Which should never be the case because in order for it to have worked i would have needed to agree with no uncertainty. This dream was almost like a realization that perhaps it is better this way. For now anyways......

Anyways. Strange. Time to wipe that face to get ready to go to Chapters/SB (hope the net is amazingly fast) to work for the day and then Love & Other Drugs with C tonight.

There is no such thing anymore

Disney Animation is closing the book on fairy tales

Source: Link

Okay if even DISNEY (like....MICKEY MOUSE&MINNIE MOUSE, HAPPILY-EVER-AFTER DISNEY) is ending it.

CARTOON OR NOT- there really is no hope for anyone in this world anymore.

BITTER. NESS.