Severe case of Holiday Blues

I tried really hard to change how this Christmas was going to be like this year. Everything i can do to not be alone, to create new traditions, to not allow myself to be pitiful and feel sorry for myself. I seriously, honest to god felt the way my Christmas Eve was spent - things might actually not be so bad and god probably might even be good to me.

Things dramatically went downhill from there. The root and cause of the problem being things at home. The favoritism of my brother has never been more evident - no matter how successful I am, my brother is entitled to the same luxuries without working for it. I feel like I am growing further apart from my mother because of her stubborn, restrained and old-fashion mind. The plus side is I feel like sometimes now that the older my father gets, the more he understands things.......when he isn't angry that is.

Everything just fell apart.

The perfect Christmas that i was suppose to have, expected to have - Gone. Stolen. Taken away from me.

The new Christmas that i wished to have now also non-existing with the exception of the great couple of hours escape i had over at K's last night. It was a great few hours i got to spend in company of good people. Her family are kind people to let me join. I appreciate and am forever grateful for that. They have no idea.

Then this morning those broken parts of this holiday just continued to crumble into dust. I got into the largest fight with the mother I have EVER gotten into in the existence of my life. It was brutal. Beliefs were brought up, harsh words were exchanged and it was obvious she was not gonna back down and knowing me when i am pissed, my attitude and face exhibits the words - Bring. It. On.

Yes, to my own mother. It was the worst, sickening and hurtful feeling.

I know that all of my friends are busy with boxing day and holiday festivities and the one thing i hate is to hassle them with my problems. I refuse to have friends change their plans for me. I refuse to have people go out of their way to see me. People that cares about me has done SO much for me this year without me asking for anything. You do not pay back good grace with selfishness. You do not treat people like that (something that I was trying to make my mother understand during our fight) and I especially am not going to repay back my friends by dragging them out of what they originally plan simply because i am sad.

I HAD to get out of the house even though I still have a fever and a crazy beast-like cough. Which was why i took refuge to the one place (as STUPID as it sounds) i know l always feel safe and warm at - Starbucks. After drugging myself up with cough meds and sinus drugs I ran all the way to the Yonge and Eglinton Starbucks because i also remembered my 2nd haven was there (being my used bookstore) aka My peaceful sanctuary.

So far its been a good choice to come. I find books to be very comforting (as NERDY as that sounds), the people working are always pleasant, i found 3 books, it was worth the trip. As for Starbucks, i know the workers were going to be good to me (been to this location a couple of times before and never been given grief), the guy at the bar even got me to laugh for a bit - more than i can ask for today. Sad how a coffee shop can give me that type of security. Might be the meaning behind it. Which would be even more sad.

That said comes down to me being here alone, typing up this vent with tears streaming down my face.

I hope they don't think im suicidal. Don't think SB is insured for that kind of stuff.

I'm alright. I'll get through this. Because hey, when do i ever not cry? : )

Bye.