i owe you guys a nice lil read

This one is interesting!

Day 4- Seven things that cross your mind a lot.

1. MoneyThis is on my mind ALL. THE. TIME. But then i think its on everyone's mind because money IS everything. The people who say its NOT everything are people who clearly people who are delusional....and very not superficial. I'd rather not meet these people. That said, being newly unemployed (yet once again!) its time for me to be real cautious about my spending. But not even that, money has always been a huge ongoing issue for me. A lot of people may think that i have an excessive amount of dispoisable income but that's REALLLY not the case. I mean sure, i go to starbucks a lot but i actually order the cheapest thing on the menu (and also because i know some money saving tricks, it just seems like im ordering something delicious and expensive) and i save money on a lottttt of other stuff. I could probably save even more if i stopped drinking, but that's just me being unrealistic. I pay for a lot of stuff on my own, i don't ask for money and i also help my parents out with a very large expense that they carry on top of my OSAP debt that i owe the father (both my parents are unemployed at the moment 'mind you). So yeah, i'd say money is always on my mind especially when friends ask me to go out or to go out trips. I have to be very strategic about whom i can dine/lunch with. I can't always dine with one person and neglect another. I know, im terrible. I'm so sorry guys, i wish i can eat/go out/vacay/dine with ALL you guys :( but i know people are fairly understanding, so im very thankful for that.
2. Career Along with money, the thing that's im always fussing about - is what i want to do with my life. Where do i want to go, what do i want to do, what do i like doing, what CAN i do, what am i currently doing, etc. etc. I remember the cousin asked me what i was aiming to do/to be in 10 years and i really had zero idea. I mean i am barely getting by figuring out what i want to do a year from now (aside from wanting a stable, permanent, full-time job.....details are foggy) let a lone 10 years! That said this time around (being unemployed i mean) i really have to be more focused. I literally wasted a year and its not something i am too proud of.
3. BrotherMy brother's well-being, future, what he's up to, etc is ALWAYS on my mind but do i do anything about it? No. Simply said- i'm a bad sister and i am horribly ashamed and disappointed in myself. Sometimes i feel like, what right do i have to go trolling on him about what he's doing with his life when i barely know what i am doing with mine? Guilty as charged....sighs.
4. FamilyIt just might be the type of person I was brought up to be but i constantly think about my family and their future. I might not always show it but i always feel the need to have to take on the traditional eldest role and just take care of everything for my parents and of course, brother. I think this mentality is going to stick with me for life thus its very hard for me to, want to be ambitious in certain areas of my life because I will always want to be around to "take care" of them. In my mind, I'm not allowed to be selfish because i am the eldest.
5. The Way i lookThis sounds SO uber superficial of me but its true. My physical appearance is ALWAYS on my mind. Whether its my hair (which has to be straightened 80% of the time or i will not leave the house!) or my nails has to be nice (and not chipped/cracked) and obviously my weight. For someone who grew up always as the big girl (literally, in width AND height) in the group, people choosing to be your best girlfriends friend instead of yours because you're dorky looking and fat and wore bad clothes, or guys not giving you the time of the day because they judged you on your appearance - it kind of makes you superficial in that way.
6. Future Wedding Lame. I can't believe i am OPENLY admitting this on a public blog and it will probably incriminate me in the future (i guess l'll deal with it then) but i always find myself looking at wedding-related things and i would think "hey, i'd like that at my wedding" and save that inspiration in my ever-growing file of wedding inspirations. Hell, K even bought me a vintage typewriter (which i play to spraypaint white lol) for my birthday and its actually INTENDED for my future wedding. Fukked right? Yeah typing that out is actually a bit overwhelming lame. First off, i don't have a boyfriend and lets say if i ever do and it leads to you know, this actually happening....i'm hoping i can massage "him" into the plans i already have. HA. Lame once again. Can't help myself though.
7. PastWhat runs through my head a lot, are what if's. I linger and analyze details of the past a lot. I don't just think about recent things either. I still replay stuff that's happened 8 years ago. Perhaps this is my way of dealing with things but it happens a lot when I am alone. Sometimes i would replay it in my head over and over again, and look for those first signs of trouble. This might be why I am so analytical with my dreams and am so obsessed with the details. I find unspoken actions speaks volume as oppose to actual words being said. I wonder a lot, obsessed with alternate endings and scenarios. It's actually very unhealthy lol With that said, just because i think of the past a lot does not mean i linger. I sincerely believe what's meant to be will always find a way. At least i tell myself that otherwise l'm certain i will go insane with this unhealthyness haha.

That's that!

But because i owe you guys so much more to read, i'm going to KEEEEP on going haha.

Yesterday was my last day of my contract work on friday and it was pretty bittersweet. I did my rounds of goodbyes at the office and it was particularly hard with one of the ladies there because she was actually my "manager" when i worked there during highschool and she remembered me very well when i returned this time around. Saying a goodbye a second time around was a little sad. Since i'm unemployed again, three main things i need to concentrate on.

One- i need to go easy on the spendings. 
Because E.I this time around is not going to cut it. No more celebrity lifestyle for me yo. Expect to not see me that much people. Heads up now. 
Two- beast mode the shit outta my body.
Not only is it because it's summer, but because i know that i am capable of being "fit", i won't settle for less than that so going have to work harddddd alllll over again. Started jogging last night, it actually felt great. I think i'm going to start doing that.
Three- Work on finding a full-time job. 
Obvs, priority yo.

Ugh ugh i actually wanted to blog more buttttt because i am so "on top of things" today, will forego the stuff i wanted to rant about and do it another day.

Going to do nails, finish up "Unstoppable", read a bit more of "Catching Fire" (part of The Hunger Games trilogy aka THE BEST I'VE READ IN A VERY LONG TIME) and then sleep to wake for my 830 game tmr morning.

Hope that's enough of a read for now!