Spark

I went out almost every single evening this week because i could not stand the idea of me sitting at home staring at my computer screen and go on a rampage thinking-analyzing-diagnosing my current situation and risk driving myself to insanity thing- every night (i do enough of that during the day when the sun is out). Destiny's at Silverstar has instantly become almost my new home b/c it has the "least" emotional attachment. Also its nice and dark (so if i cry it wont embarrass the company i have with me) and its close enough for me to bus home at night if i need to (something else i must learn to adapt to...) even though that so far has never been the case because those whom i've gone with would have never allowed me to go home on my own.

Anyways tonight i went out with TJW. i dont know why but out of every GCM person that i could have called, she was the first i wanted to talk to. I felt like there was no one else that would understand how hard this is for me. It could be because she was there when it first started and as cliche and lame as it sounds, having her there as it all fell only made sense....also because i do genuinely feel the closest to her. Its not because i do not feel "close" to the other people in our clan, but i really was not comfortable with announcing it to anybody else and answering any probing questions....because i am not ready for that yet even though i am so sure that everyone has an idea of what is happening (those that come by here/are FB frequenters/tweeters/all the above). i love you guys...but now is not the time. i hope others can respect that.

The night had its downs when of course i had my crazy breakout moments (expected) but im quite glad to be able to say that for some reason....this was the first night in what feels like a decade-worth of nights where i actually felt a spark of..confidence. Like maybe i can actually...do this. I mean i KNOW that i can do it and i keep on saying that and being told that...but in all honestly i felt no confidence whatsoever. Its obviously not a whole shitload of confidence because knowing me, after a sleep that spark would probably die. Nonetheless though...i felt it for a bit during the evening with J, as we did our catching up on everything. I hope she knows how much i appreciate her driving out to see me on a work night when she doesn't really live that close and letting me be selfish for the first portion of the evening. It means a lot to me. i miss talking like that. We use to do a lot of that in first and second year. oh && thnx u for the treat.

i also...picked up my crap today and got around to showing my mom pictures of my trip in Cuba.

Hows that for attempting to not be useless?

My mornings are still the same though aka. shitty.

Guess that's it for now. Don't know where this sudden blogging-high came from.

Just like that, today is another day....