Bedtime Thoughts

Tonight i attended Hot Yoga for the first time in almost a month and a half. Sadly i did not have a very good practice. In short-

• I forgot a full-length bath towel (used to cover the yoga mat) and only had a small face cloth therefore my mat was WET due to my sweat (Sooo yuucky. i hafta hose it down tmr in my yard or something!!!)
• It was extra hot (or at least it felt like it) and because of that i think i might have broke my record of sweating during hot yoga. Kept on slipping because body was WET.
• Couldn't focus. Couldn't stay strong. Very distracted by inner thoughts.

I think my goal for the next couple of sessions is to really try to refocus...and clear my mind. It's very frustrating because i've been doing this for a couple of months and i should be getting good at this, not declining in progress. I guess i shouldn't be so hard on myself given the circumstances (physically and emotionally unfit) but i really felt like crap when i left the room. I didn't even stay for the "meditation"/"rest"/"calm" period at the end because i was that disappointed. I hate being weak. Hopefully next week will be better.

Tonight also got me thinking. I mentioned this to the cousin and K already....but i feel like i have no right to whine and complain about how sad i am when there's A LOT of people who's had much worst things happen to them. I was sad today. Again. Actually i have not been happy at all (SURPRISE) and people who has seen me, can see it. But i brave on that smile and people tell me that they're proud of me for at least trying. Then i see others....who seems to just be having it worst than me/or in the same position as i. The only difference is it seems like they don't know how to handle themselves and the situation they are in. I saw what lack-of-motivation can do to a person. How a person looks when there's no more drive in their eyes. What a person would do when hope doesn't exist anymore. I didn't know what to do or say because it was just too much. I don't know how i can handle comforting someone else when i feel like i am doing a sub-mediocre job for myself. Hopefully she'll be okay. Good people doesn't deserve things like that.

That said now, so who am i to complain anymore? (This is why a potential new secret blog might be in creation. No worries friends. If i do create a "secret" blog. I'll leave clues/traces everywhere. If you know me well, you'll know where to look. Again, Still contemplating. )

On a bright note!!!!! (Can't be all boohoo sob sobsx right)  
This afternoon after my completely wasted morning (refer to my latest bitching on the go entry) i got a sudden rush of creative energy (in MONTHS) and i totally went all out & was actually able to get a portfolio website up (kind of). Yays. I actually had the link to the website up for a good 8 hours (somewhere on my blog) but decided to take it down until its closer to completion. I'm working on what i call the "Please-hire-Dorkkly/Kay" Marketing Campaign. Hopefully with the time (effort & a little bit of money) that i'll be putting into this, it will land me "that" job and "pay off". haaaa. Okay. Very lame. But in all seriousness, K thought it was very witty and original when i presented the preliminary concept and website progress up to this point. Must get more opinions in soon time.

Guess that's it. I should really get some sleep.

每一日,慢慢來. 一步一步來.

Outs.